Archive for the ‘Just Like That’ Category

When i took an EL

Posted: August 3, 2017 in Just Like That
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There is some pain which has been troubling me on my right chest, right from throat to stomach. Google said it’s not heart attack. I wanted to confirm as I have been telling everyone that I’d die at 29 and I’d die of heart attack. Two different statements which I wanted to make sure isn’t combining. I had this pain throughout the night the previous day. When I woke up, it took me a guilty few minutes to decide that I’d take leave and I took leave.

The first thought in the morning was what if this condition could be something serious and I have only one more year to live. I’ll turn 29 next year. I have so many plans. Have to trek EBC, complete one more grade in guitar, run 15 km/hr in 15 minutes, and run 5 KM in 20 minutes. All these are my part of agenda for next one year. What if this is a serious ailment and I could not do any of these or even one of these. The idea of quitting job looks to be the only good thing that could happen if I fall sick but rest, it’s scary. I am a person who romanticizes death, much like Woody Allen does. Even though he says that he doesn’t like getting old and that he’s scared of death, you find a sense of elation. It was the same with me too. But to really think what would happen if you’ve been given a timeline to your death, then it’s really scary.

I can’t remember the last time I took an EL just like that. Only seven years prior when I had to exhaust 5.5 days of leave by financial year end, I took leaves without reason, that’s the best thing to do. To get up and decide that you are not going to go to office, feels greater than any achievement. After a guilty few minutes even today I felt the same.

Started off with a tea and took morning walk with Dad, I couldn’t walk as fast as him, asked him to slow down, we went across the street and saw a person selling Cow’s milk which I wanted to buy for a long time. We continued walking straight through the road, I thought of asking him to take the path towards beach but without my telling he somehow went that way, thanks to the greens that we had to buy. While walking in the road to Thiruvanmiyur Beach you can’t see the sand first, only waves and today there was a boat on it and waves were quite high. Sun wasn’t harsh, weather was pleasant. The first glimpse of morning sunlight on water couldn’t have been more pleasant. My heart beat rose. I could have just sat there and watched the waves for a long time but I didn’t insist on it because I had done far too many things within the first few moments of the day, that my parents usually don’t associate with me. I told that I’ll be taking leave, join my dad for morning walk, beach entry. They’d have seriously though that something was wrong if I had wanted to get into the beach as well.

There were so many things running on my mind. Could this pain be due to hypertension, will the doctor ask me to quit my job? Would I be talking to a Psychiatrist? Would it be an awesome guilt free session where I wouldn’t be constantly thinking about money being spent on him?

But all these activities culminated into a wonderful morning. This is how mornings had to be spent, outside, breathing fresh air, not sleepily walking to office bus. Without my knowledge I was walking fast, my dad was falling behind. I felt better.

Coming home I read newspaper (no pleasurable feeling than reading newspaper in the morning), updated blogs, shagged, drank tea, drank cow’ milk, checked if I have Tamasha in my hard disk (which I didn’t), I don’t know what I’ll do for the rest of the day. I’ll be less disciplined, go to doctor and hope it’s nothing serious, play guitar, write review, get guitar mark sheet, want to watch Dunkirk in IMAX and don’t know what. May be brood about how things would get normal tomorrow.

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On account of 300 likes for the FB page and first anniversary of book. I thought I should share something to show my gratitude. So here is the Writer’s cut of my book. How it was supposed to have been started which I later omitted for good or bad, put to you without even correct grammatical errors, the first draft as such!

Neha_cover 1_rev2.indd

Once again, thank you all for the response you’ve shown for the book.

Honestly

June 2nd 2013 8.13 PM

Honestly, (I know I’m over doing but when she reads the book I want her to smile every time she reads the word honestly) I never thought I’d feel this lonely.

I had closed my cars window and was driving steadily to 10D. There is still 4 hours to my birthday. Myself, Lokesh and Arun, we just started from Havana. It wasn’t a great experience today. I was more looking forward to meeting my friends and blabbering than dancing. That didn’t mean I was putting any less effort while I was on the floor. Havana is a decent pub which has not so big dance floor but definitely girls who are worthy to dance with. The drinks are pricy and they don’t put the split up while they give the bill. I don’t know whether that’s the trend in high class pubs. I don’t really like frequenting high class pubs where the mood is always sullen and you’ve to be so cautious. The regular 200 per beer bar is best for us. Even 10D is new for us but we decided to go there because of the food which others said would be good than Bikes and Barrels which we had decided to go before.

I was feeling lonely. I couldn’t hear much sound. It occurred to me at that instant that I haven’t switched on the FM. Ilayaraja at that time would have been soothing. Even Arun and Lokesh were keeping unnaturally quiet. Quiet to me. I think they knew what was coming. Arun is fiddling with his cell phone, texting his girlfriend I guess. Idiotic fellow he had made a tattoo behind his neck with his girlfriend’s name. He had made an anagram of his name and his girlfriend’s and put it behind his neck. That two inch tattoo cost is four thousand at Iruzumi. Whichever angle I see I couldn’t read his name but Arun is not the guy who gets worried about these petty things. I was at least happy that the guy who tattooed Arun kept on telling him it’s a bad idea.

When we went to enquire about the tattoo he said, “Sir I don’t think it’s a good idea, are you sure?” Arun replied, “yes I’m sure.” “Because out of the eighty people we get to tattoo in a month sixty come for this type of tattooing and the thirty come back after one month asking us to erase”  Arun said, “It’s okay that’s not a problem.” Even I said, not advised, but said it’s a bad idea. He wasn’t deterred. He went ahead and did the tattoo.

After getting four thousand, the China man who did the tattooing said, “No swimming for a month, no gymming for a week and use only Johnson and Johnson or Dove soap.” Arun replied, “Okay.” He gave one more small lotion and asked him to apply daily after bath. Arun nodded for everything and we came back. When we were about to leave there was a fat dark guy who was waiting to get his tattoo done. Guess what? Again girlfriends name. There was another family who had come as a family to have a tattoo done for their daughter. From their accent they looked like a Brahmin family. While getting on the bike I said, “besh besh beautiful family” and we had a hearty laugh.

Now here is this guy who was so engrossed in his messaging and Lokesh is in the seat behind me already excited as a kid. He was laughing while talking to his friend. Without any surprise he has a lot of friends. That’s his nature. He’s an honest innocent individual. Everyone who talks with him would like to have him as a friend.  He once made me take one of the most important decisions in my life. It was during my 12th standard. We were very eagerly waiting for Anniyan to get released. It’s been a year since we started to talk about the film. I was a huge fan of Vikram then. Still I’m, but not as much as I was then. After weeks and weeks of postponement of the release we finally got tickets got four tickets for the film in Sangam Balcony. Lokesh, Santhanam, Anish and I were supposed to go to the movie but the very next day after I got the tickets we got an announcement that the management has planned for a field trip that Saturday. The announcement came at 8.10 in the morning. Lokesh hadn’t come by then. I always used to be one of the first few to go to school. So when the whole class was hooting and cheering I was the only one to put my face down.

Anish from two rows behind turned back towards me and gave me a sorrow smile. I was one of the most respected guys in school at that time because I don’t use filthy language. Tough to believe isnt’ it but that’s how I was then. I asked Anish, “So would come or we are to go to the movie?” Anish replied, “How da it’s the last field trip together.” Obviously I was pissed. We had 12 sections in our school. Anish, Lokesh and I were in C section. Santhanam was in K. The field trip was announced only for the first six sections so Santhanam didn’t have a problem. It was about 8.30 and Lokesh was as usual late. Everyone were busy discussing about field trip. Anish came to him and said not excitedly, “do you know field trip is planned on Saturday.” The teacher came so Anish had to turn back to his place before Lokesh could answer.

I asked Lokesh, “So what to do?” Lokesh replied, “Of course, Anniyan.” And that’s how he became my best friend. We missed our last field trip and included Jana instead of Anish for the film and went for the film. After watching the film my joy knew no bounds. It was the best film that we had watched till then. We were even discussing about the probable Oscar entry of the film. Those were great days.

That Lokesh is as usual happy indulging in some conversation with his friend. We were waiting for one more guy. More than a friend he was my hero. Pandi! He is currently doing diploma in direction in FTII. He’s one guy whom I’ve copied immensely and he’s the guy who’s solely responsible for bringing the artist in me. The only thing that I couldn’t copy from him is his confidence. I’m a confident guy now but still is not as confident as that guy.

We reached 10D and there he was standing with his back pack. “Straight to pub, great!” he said sarcastically as he threw the bag in the car and went along with us. He wasn’t wearing shoes in spite of me telling him a million times to wear one. Fortunately the bouncer didn’t look for his shoes as the rest of us were wearing it. Of the four I was the well-dressed one with a body hugging white tee and jeans. Arun was wearing his usual purple shirt with stripes and jeans, Lokesh was in his elements with a trademark multi colored horizontally striped collared t-shirt, Arun looked the most casual out of us four with a yellowish white kurtha type of Khaki shirt. He looked more like a communist but he doesn’t have any political thoughts. All our jeans were slightly off color blue ones which goes well with any dress and the less risky of the all.

We entered 10 D and settled ourselves in one nice secluded corner as if we were up to some mischief. We were given a menu card by not so warm waiter. Arun didn’t have much to look but he was the only one who read the menu card. The rest two as always were dependent on me to order. He ordered a Millers light, the costliest of the beer which was there. Nowadays I had become a fan of beer but as a birthday resolution I decided to stop having beer because I could see my tummy visibly growing. My size 30 pants are getting tight day by day but till now I have stuck on to buying size 30 pants because only then I’ll keep a check on my weight. So this time I ordered Sex on the Beach, I wanted to have it ever since I read P.S. I Love You. The only love story I had liked. Holly orders Sex on the Beach in that book.

Lokesh didn’t have much knowledge so Arun decided on Scotch this time.  A J.W. Red Label. I ordered the same for Lokesh too with Soda. Arun and Lokesh were somewhat close because they’ve met a number of times. Pandi is guy who was generally hated when he was school because of his abundant knowledge. Arun and Pandi too don’t mingle well. They all are here because of me. I wanted all my best friends to be here but as usual Jeeva was missed out citing that he couldn’t come out on a Sunday night. He is the general party spoiler but only because of him I could come out of the depression. All those conversations with him when I was on depression were a huge morale booster. It was the same with him. He looks up to me like how I look up to Pandi but I think I have a wee bit more respect for Jeeva than Pandi has for me. Pandi is irritated that I don’t do anything substantial in my life. I’m irritated that Jeeva doesn’t do anything at all in life. But he is sleeping in his home after an arduous trek in Coorg. At least that much!

We looked around the place, it wasn’t much crowded because it was a Sunday night. There were one or two chicks. When I was about to finish scanning the place the drinks came. The initial impression of my Sex in the Beach was brilliant. It was great to watch. The waiter checked for the coolness of beer with Pandi. He touched it as a matter of fact and said okay with a serious face. Arun and Lokesh too were ogling at their drinks now. As a customary mixer among my friends I mixed soda. Arun and Lokesh had similar style of drinking. They used very less soda. On the other hand I top my drink with soda. I couldn’t bear the taste of 50-50 mixing. Lokesh was the only guy laughing out of the four. Arun and Pandi had a customary smile on their face while we all raised our glass to say cheers.

The happiness while saying cheers has gone down considerably because we were getting drunk more frequently now and add to it, it was a Sunday and it was a sad day. Arun remarked, “as usual yucky,” and like every time he sips the drink first, “why can’t they make one drink that is tasty?” At least mine tasted better compared to his. I took one sip and decided that it was too heavy for me. Pandi was drinking his beer without making face. Only when the waiter came with the snacks it occurred to us we had started drinking even before the side dish came. We laughed at each other saying so. Our body slightly getting loose and our mind getting relaxed.

And I started with my lecture as usual, “Namma ellam urupudavae matom da (we will never prosper in my life)” Kindly excuse Tamil/Hindi intrusions in the story. Some sentences won’t be funny if it’s translated. Everything happened in Tamil so I’m translating to English for better understanding or for the ease of writing. None replied, only Lokesh laughed for the comment. He is the only guy who laughs for all my jokes. Arun and Pandi are more level headed guys. They could think on their own but yet go by my word because of the respect. Both being unique characters that’ why I mingled them both to make one character called Arun in my first story. Pandi’s real name is Arun. He changed his name from Arun Pandia or Pandian to Arun when he was in tenth. When I used to go to his house his mom used to call him Arun Pandiaaaaaa. Nowadays she wails just Arunnnnn. May be this guy would have threatened his not to call him Pandia. But I never asked him.

After a couple of sips when the drinks were trying to take an effect we became more relaxed and ordered a second round. This time a stronger option for us three and Pandi had his first pint of beer still in his hand. And I said in Suriys ishytle, “Neha machan….”

 My birthday, Her birthday, Her Wedding Day and her in laws Anniversary

Arun kept silent, Lokesh asked me, “who’s Neha da?” and Pandi said, “don’t spoil my mood now.” But I was undeterred. Arun had known enough about Neha. After all he’s the only guy I used to meet frequently. One more good friend who had known about Neha almost as much as Arun is Vimal. My project mate and one of my best friends in office. Rest all, even Jeeva doesn’t know about Neha. I guess I had blabbered about Neha when Arun, Pandi and I went to Pondicherry sometime last August. It was the time Neha and I were not in talking terms. But as I was high I don’t remember much of my blabbering that day.

I answered Lokesh, “Neha machan, en Anjala da” (It’s a dialogue in Varanam Ayiram, won’t have much significance upon translation it’s just like saying my beloved.) Pandi continued, “Only people from here do this stuff man. When we were drinking everyone had something to say, few people shared their happiness, few their sorrow. As soon as a Tamil guy came he started cribbing about his love failure. Exaggeration, damn it! Losers!” Those words didn’t have any effect on me. The alcohol in me were acting as a perfect anti bodies. “Let me tell this one last time, I’ve removed her from my friends list in Facebook, I’ve removed her from office communicator. I want to remove her from my heart too. There is still three hours to my birthday I want to do it within that time span.” There wasn’t a nod from anyone. Everyone was busy indulging in their drinks and here I was indulging in my dreams. What if they don’t hear the story let me share it with you guys…

Here’s the link to the Novel if you don’t know yet and want to know how it really started…
https://notionpress.com/read/neha

 

I’ve a very hazy memory of a scene in Airport, a Sathyaraj film which used to be telecasted in DD National during my school days. When one of his friends, looking at his small sized pant, asks him whether his his dad still hasn’t got him a trousers after his school days? Sathyaraj doesn’t know how to react, he gives a weird expression.

dhanush-amalapaul-vip-movie-stills-036

In a Rajninkanth film, I think Thambiku Entha Ooru, he stands outside a rich person’s house, tied to a rope. I think because he was involved in some mischievous act involving the rich man’s daughter Madhavi. When the girl from the house where Rajnikanth says, comes with food and sympathizes him, he takes his hand out of the rope which he has been holding. That’s how my life is. This scene keeps on lingering in my mind, how I’m keeping my life at bay.

I mean I wanted to write this like a message I send to my friend in whatsapp, deep, emotional and honest. But as soon as you want to put it as an article things change, you become more decent, you become more structured and that loses half the essence. Honestly gets diluted. That’s the thing with brain hand coordination. By the time what brain thinks comes out as words typed with your fingers, half the essence is lost. But still to write something deeply emotional and moving requires a special talent.

That’s where a J. D. Salinger, a Woody Allen come to the fore. There was a discussion about certain movies in movies group where one annoying thorn among the bushes says that he could associate with films like Tree of Life and Werckmeister Harmonies more than Vinnaithandi Varuvaya and Wake Up Sid. I’m very happy that he doesn’t like Woody Allen, god I’m saved.

As I was sitting at the beach and was talking honestly, I mean I’ve been an honest person for most part but that honesty that talk with parents, the things that you have never talked, the things that they don’t think you could talk, that feels good. That always happens in trips. When we are in trips where my dad doesn’t think about the next share market crash, my mom doesn’t think about what she is going to make for her breakfast, they seem to be the most reasonable parents ever. I feel shy but yes at that point I love my parents. I feel as if, they wouldn’t create a single problem if I bring a girl to them and say that I love her. They look that good.

Then I was seeing all those bachelor gangs, talking loudly, the couples, the couples with kids. Everyone looked happy. At least that’s what you see when you are sad. When I mean sad, don’t ask me reason for it, I’m sad that’s it. It’s not some rare disease which would fly off from some mystery headache.

Of all this time the couples with kids attracted me the most. I don’t know how many of them would have married the ones they loved, I don’t know how many smiling faces have a background breakup. As soon as you see a couple happily playing with their kids we assume that they are happy couple. Maybe they don’t fight with each other but they’d still be having memories. When I fast forward myself in future and think of marrying some random girl whom I haven’t loved, I doubt very much whether I could live life to my fulfilment. May be I’ll have kids, I’ll have enough money in my bank account, I’ll get onsite etc. but that feeling to have not lived with a person with whom you dreamt of living, would it vanish all of a sudden.

What’s worse is you don’t know whether the other person too had the similar feelings or as they say, they never really loved. There is always confusion, thinking that they are lying for the betterment of both but then in the very next second you think, what if its real, another second you think you can never be wrong, no one could talk like that without having been in love, may be they themselves don’t know it. When you see that the other person is also going to suffer and you tell about it, they only think that you think yourself as someone superior and not that you being honest.

I don’t know, people tell me that I do a lot of activities, it’s just a drug to escape from reality. Even though when I think that now I have a lot more to tell when asked ‘about me’, when I think deeply whether everything I’m doing, good or bad, is what I really wanted to do. I don’t have an answer. After a moment of silence I always tell ‘onnum perusa solrathukila da.’ It’s a dejected tone. A Sunday night feeling which you got to accept and go to office next day.

When I compare, don’t ask me how I can compare myself with Ranbir. If that’s the first thought which comes to your mind, well… you’re not my readers.

yjhd

Watching it for the umpteenth time, the first time being an epic failure after my Spiti ride. I wrote a scathing review of this movie. With this, this might be the first re review of any movie. Still I won’t call this my all-time favorite, which would question my incompetency.

My first re watch of this happened on one fine Friday. I was in an envy mood. Don’t know what was that as such. I was in a jinx with Naina. With Naina it’s always like that, you know the short specs wali girl, woh dance bi ache khelti na… haan wahi. With Naina there was some fight, well… it’s mostly one sided. I always lose but Naina doesn’t even think she’s in a fight, which technically makes me winner too.

I watched few favorite scenes, it extended to almost 1 PM, then I started sending my stupid overenthusiastically romantic WhatsApp BigMessage. This BigMessage is a dangerous category, very few people have access to it, but almost with all who have access to it, I could say that it works but with Naina you never know. I slept at 2 PM. Not 1 PM. I had to wake up at 6 for tennis. I had a splitting headache, no rest that day, I went to see bad Revenant, next day too full day rehearsal so got headache.

Then I became fan of few scenes and repeatedly started watching the movie, now I did watch the second half fully in no time. There are scenes, “Tu right nahi hai Naina, bas mujhse alag hai”, best is when she says, “mein janti hoon”. The whole scene is superbly built till the end, “Jitna bhi try karo, life mein kuch na kuch chhutega hi. Toh jahaan hai, uska maza lete hai na”

Then there is a beer scene, tu ja, Vikram mera friend hae. It’s funny when you are Vikram and you have someone else as Vikram on screen and you have to call him Vikram. It was like that. I was like, “Vikram loser, what is he doing?” I was thinking like Bunny all the while but wait… Vikram loser. I went to Vikram’s shoes. Does that really how people think of me, but Naina interrupted, “ja… jakar sorry bol use”, “mein kyun bolun sorry.”

There was Naina then, like that, under the moon. She tries to explain that they are not for each other, but when he kisses, she kisses back. She likes it, that’s what Bunny feels, but does she really like it. She says she can’t leave her parents, clinic etc. She asks whether he’d leave his travel thing for her. At that juncture their parents are their true villains. None of them have good opinion about their parents, but they love them. Classic isn’t it.

Naina had told that. Vikram respects the trust. Naina finally accepts that he can’t do what she said, she knows that he likes him in spite of that, she knows she is the one who has to undergo the sacrifice, “janti hu Bunny, samajhti hun tumhe, pata hai tumhare sapne kya hai, ki tum zindagi se kya chahte ho.” but she also knows that he’ll give surprise like no one. She knows he’s the best, when it comes to giving surprise. Hey kabeera… “mein apna daddy mummy ko chodkar nahi ah sakta hoon Bunny” Bunny is confused that whether its only her parents, for which she doesn’t come or whether she doesn’t want to come at all.

As soon as Bunny gets a flash second of her saying yes, his parents immediately come to his mind, how to tackle them? Then a flash of ‘Annihilation of Caste’ comes to my mind. Bunny understands that’s his life. No matter what he does, something goes missing.

Bunny indeed is really me, sans the happy ending climax, which would be happy in Bunny’s dream. “Apne mind me already shaadi kar chuka hun tujhse aur tu bhi kar le mujhse” That was indeed the cutest fight ever. Dreamssssssss

  • What is the inspiration for “Neha – Yet Another Love Story”? Tell us more about the novel.

As far as I know writing is the easiest thing that I was able to do. That doesn’t have to do anything with the quality but I’ve always found it hard to limit my writings within a given space. Like how I’d be ‘over answering’ the questions here, greeting cards overflew with words, two mark answers became an essay in school and status messages ended being blog post. So I thought, “why not put this into something worthwhile” and thus “Neha – Yet Another Love Story Happened.” The book deals with the story of a confused youngster’s love/life. I marketed it as a, “love story without romance.” A lot of care has been taken to make the experience unique and I could confidently tell you that you wouldn’t have read a novel with this style.

Neha_cover 1_rev3.indd

  • From scribbles, as you call them, on your blog, to a full-length novel, how long did the journey take?

To boast, I could say 2 years, but all the gaps between writings shouldn’t be considered. So maybe five full days. But to sit for the five full days was the challenge. If I had locked myself in a room for a week like how Flaubert does, I could have completed it but if I get even more than a day’s holiday I plan for a trip so couldn’t do it in that way. Thus this book wasn’t written with any compromise between the cover as well as out of it. You don’t want to be liked or hated for what you are not.

  • There are many love stories being published almost every day. How would your book be different?

Very good question. To write a book ‘differently’ would mean being dishonest to the work. So I wanted to write it in a way which came to my mind without any compromises. In fact I even wanted to publish it with grammatical errors and spelling mistakes but it was way too much of an ask, so settled for this. I don’t claim it as a ‘different’ book but to give you an example. The title itself is a pun. When I talked about my book, many said, “Why would I read yet another love story?” That’s exactly the point in naming the book. It could have been easily named to prove my intellectual capability but wanted to give it an everyday tone and that’s why the title, “Neha” and subtext starts with, “yet”. It’s a sign of resignation, like, “duh!”

  • How has the response to your book been?

Extreme! Not only in a positive way. There were people who raved the book like anything, especially my best friends who were stuttering while talking and typing with mistakes overwhelmed with the experience of the book. There were people who equally hated the book. There were questions like, “why the intro is so long?”, “what are you trying to say by this?”, “why is the narration so confusing?”, “Is this really the climax?” Best compliment was by my mother who got completely upset with the book and didn’t talk throughout the dinner while serving food. I love it when people take my works personal. To talk about response let me tell you something my mother said when I was a child, “Leonardo da Vinci, hung a painting of Monalisa in the street nearby his place. On day 1 he asked people to mark which all places in the painting they didn’t like. He could see markings everywhere. He was disappointed. But the next day he placed the fresh painting and asked people to mark which all places they liked and he could again see every area marked.” So that’s how it is. You do your work and throw it to the audience. If they like it, they like it, otherwise not. Simple!

  • What made you choose Notionpress to publish your book? How easy/difficult was the process of getting published?

I wanted a self-publishing company as I was not ready to change the content of the book. As I would be paying them I’d be the boss. Notionpress happed to be one company which is Chennai based and few Infoscions prior to me had published their book under them. So I thought it’d be a decent choice.

  • You are a constant blogger and your blog shows your interest in travel and movies. What would you want to write about in your next novel?

I do love writing so I make it a point to write about every movie I watch and every place I go. Just to keep myself in flow. But I miss writing about everyday stuff like waiting in Sathyam Theatre for Rs. 10 ticket, struggling to collect change from bus conductor etc. And about my next book, I’ve already got the rough draft ready for my next novel and it’d need a certain bit of fine tuning as it’s going to be of a different style to that of “Neha.” My life is my inspiration – so needless to say my second novel too would be on that basis, sans love but.

  • Are there any recently-published love stories that you liked?

I myself am not a fan of love stories, like how many said when they didn’t want to buy my novel. But thanks to those numerous cheesy love stories that I read, I thought if these could sell, why not mine. In fact there isn’t a single love story in my top 10 list. But one film which changed my perspective in looking at love stories is ‘Before Sunrise’. One brilliant film!

  • How do you manage your work-writing balance?

I like keeping myself busy. If I’m not, I start to think. If I think I get depressed so I see to that I exhaust myself physically and mentally by the time I hit bed. So it isn’t even like work-writing balance, it’s like part of life.

  • What would be your ideal day off?

I’m an irritatingly meticulous planner, a cleanliness freak, preposterous thinker. I want to keep everything aside for a day. Get up, not think about my next move, next meal, go somewhere, eat something, be shabby, remain quiet, stop thinking, sleep in some dungeon and worry about it the next day.

  • A quote or a sentence that you heard/ read that you remember every day?

I don’t know from where he got this but my dad once said this quote. Little did he knew that I’d consider it so seriously, “The best way to get out of an addiction is to yield to it”

one night stand

Yesterday

I got down from my cab around 1.45 AM and smiled back at the driver after closing the door. Because it was an auspicious day CMBT was crowded. I crossed the road to go to my house which is at the opposite side of the bus stand. I have the habit of having a cigarette and thanking everything that had happened throughout the day before I take the last puff. Also to have strong tea with froth and cigarette between the first finger and middle finger. I kinda feel heroic. I wanted to shoot a close up shot of cigarette and tea in that angle. The bursting bubbles of tea and the tip of cigarette turning from red to grey keep falling in sync. It’s so beautiful and romantic. I think everything is romantic at 1.45 AM. It’s one time that nothing could put me in bad mood. None would be awake and none would be there to disturb. Rather than being alone, that’s the one time I practice solitude.

Before putting my mobile phone into airplane mode, Arun was the last person who had sent me a message through whatsapp. Whenever he sees me with a cigarette he used to chide me saying that, “nee ena pana porae, atha rounda rounda suthSing kiza vizuratha pakanum. Avlo thanae….” (What to you want to do, you want to see that thing making rounds and falling down) That’s how he mentions the romantic cigarette ash fall off that I admire. One thing which I could admire more than fine light whisky going down the rocks on an unsmooth whisky glass is this.

I was wearing black and white checked Louis Philippe shirt, I think that was my last formal shirt which I bought, that too for close to two thousand rupees. I remember on the very first day Vimal calling it nice. It was a time I was in ‘form’. I’m sober now. In every way.

That shirt matches with my white and black specs frame. But with respect to shirts I’ve always had doubts whether to tuck in or not. I’ve always misjudged my height like everyone who misjudges my height when I’m sitting. I think I have a shorter upper body. So whenever I tuck in my shirt it looks awfully bad but I always get a doubt next time I wear a shirt. This problem is partly due to the fact that unlike many I don’t wear low rise pants. Not because I don’t like it, but the three jeans that I had bought for around two thousand rupees each were branded and still looks good. I don’t feel like spending money for new jeans when the old one is good.

So with the two thousand rupee first-bought costly Pepe Jeans and this black and white checked t shirt I approached the tea shop. It was really crowded for a weekday night 2 AM time. As soon as he saw me the guy who goes around to give tea to customers, I guess the owner, because he’s the one who deals with money, ordered a strong tea for me and sat in the kalla and kept a cigarette on top of one of the aluminum biscuit jars lined up there which didn’t have a lid. I took it and lighted from the lighter stand there. Again… the tip of cigarette, the tobacco and lights, the sparks… it’s all so beautiful. It’s like showing the close up shots of food when Mary comes to the tea shop to Premam. Only here there isn’t a camera and it’s only I who could appreciate the beauty.

The master made tea and kept with a ‘tut’ in the protruded granite slab which encloses his stove. It was by now dirty with extra cheeni and tea stains. We have a no nonsense relationship, the tea guy and I. we hardly talk, rarely greet, never ever smile at each other. I go take my cigarette, buy my tea, pay the eighteen rupees and come back content. Most of the time I try to tender exact change there for some untold reason.

So this time with cigarette in hand and tea in same hand I turned to come back to my position of center of the stairs but within a second, as soon as I changed ten degree I saw a navel. That’s the first thing it stuck me. Because you don’t see a navel every day in a tea shop. Even though I stared only for a little more than a fraction of second, it felt like a close up shot of something extraordinary. Only then I realized it was a girl, who had one side of her shirt lifted up, other side rolling down her denim shorts. She had an amazing dusky color. All this I analyzed in one second looking at her slender waist.

In the next second before going down I looked from bottom to top, she was wearing a sneakers, he legs were shapely, he had a strong thing, the sides of which looked well-muscled and her whole skin looked oily. It only made her dusky color look even better, her thighs, then her waist, then the everlasting navel. Her shirt was a mix of khaki and dark blue and white and light blue checks. Looked like it was made of linen, but it was not, it was cotton.

I looked further up, her breasts were nothing much to rave about. So that section didn’t interest me much, I went further up and looked at her lips. Shh… party spoiler. Bright red lipstick, she had a weird type of lips, it was puckered but I loved it. Her lipstick was the one which spoilt the mood. Further up, she had a pointed nose. A type of nose which my mother says as the best. My dad has a roundish tip to his nose. She had a small mole near her left eye. Something about that was nice too… her eyes was sharp and her forehead plain. Her hair was wavy and layer cut and very shiny. Felt like her hair was fixed to her after modelling her.

But wait… isn’t she her? I was doubtful for an instant but by that time I had turned and come back to position. And what was she doing? Smoking cigarette at that time of the night? What’s she? Is she a slut? Come on… I didn’t want my always happy 2 PM midnights to have some event. Thats the only time I usually am happy without a reason. I don’t want any event to happen at that time and fucking write about that in my unlicensed Microsoft Word and post it in my fucking blog.

Yes… it was her. By the time I finished my tea and cigarette, faster than usual because I didn’t want her to go but I didn’t know whether what I wanted to talk and didn’t know whether I could talk to that type of person. It was amazing that a girl that hot wasn’t getting noticed at all by anyone. Everyone were doing their own job as if she too was a part of acceptable society. Are prostitutes this common? How did I fail to see her? I regularly take the 12’o clock cab from my office and come to this place at 1.45 PM. I had never seen her till then. Or is she a ghost like that of Talaash. Has late night shifts got me psyched. I was lamenting on that fact. I was making sure that I would fix my gaze on her when I look at her next.

I turned back to give the change of twenty rupees, keep the tea glass on top of already stained aluminum lids and get the change which the owner keeps it on the same lid. It happened like every day but for me it felt like a slow mo and every sound was like that of vacuum. Only at that time I noticed her having a sling bag like that of mine which Smitha presented to me before she left from my office. I always wear that when I wear this shirt. Buy that sling bag didn’t affect my view of her navel when I first looked. Did it appear all of a sudden, and where did the cigarette go? She smoked it off? Faster than me? No chance… no one smokes faster than me… expect for Pandi. Or is she really a ghost. Oh rubbish… you don’t realize that someone is a ghost right away… That’s the first rule of horror story.

She was looking at the other side and our eyes met suddenly while taking the two rupees change from the owner and keeping it in my wallet. It definitely was her. I was trying to say ‘hi’. What was I doing? What would people think of me if I say ‘hi’ to that kind of person? But couldn’t she be just another sexy girl in tea shop? Seriously…. Just another sexy girl in tea shop? I asked myself. But what would be even worse is she mistaking me for a customer. I don’t want to lie that the thought of banging her in the hotel room didn’t cross my mind. I thought, so what if she mistakes me as a customer? Even that would be something new. I always wanted to go to a prostitute and a prostitute this hot… I didn’t have any complains.

I said ‘hi’. She smiled back. Not the kind of smile that she gives to the customers. But the kind of smile she gives to her guy friends with whom she has her breakfast in our food court. I’ve always seen her with guys and she mingles with them quite freely. Even though we losers call such girls slut, I didn’t think that she really would be a slut. How awesome it would be if every girl like that whose number we didn’t get would be on streets waiting for the customers. I laughed at my evil thought.

“Is that yo..?” She said, “Yes” before I could complete my sentence. A man feels happy even if a lady recognizes you, even if she is a slut. I was no different.

“But you don’t seem to be feeling least bit guilty,” fuck! What did I say? Even if she is a prostitute you can’t be that rude. And I’m judging? I call myself a teenage Woody Allen but me judging a person. I could never call myself an artist hereafter.

“No I don’t,” it’s not a snap back answer. It’s an answer to question. The very fact that she didn’t get angry for the fact that I judged her made me angry at first then made me feel little next. She won.

“Oh I didn’t know that you know me…”

She smiled back. She was beautiful. Why did she have to do that? No I’m not going to give part of my salary to help her out of the situation but I sure did feel guilty.

I realized that I was standing there and staring at her for quite a while. Or it could be like previous instances of slow mo and vacuum. I don’t know. I lost sense by that time.

I said, “Okay I’ll leave…” and stood there.

“You don’t have to be guilty…”said she.

She was reading my mind. The only thing I didn’t want is to her turning a ghost.

“I’m surprised that you had this much of talk with me…” said she. Oh! Poor girl. I felt sad but she didn’t tell that in a voice that would make people evoke sympathy.

I’m not much of a smiler. I don’t like my smile but I tried to smile back. I thought she’d be the third person to say that she liked my smile but she didn’t.

“If you don’t mind, can I talk to you?” I asked her.

“Do you want a story?”

She was killing me with every sentence. I wasn’t sure I could handle her off the bed.

“Don’t worry no one would mind…” said she. Looking at the way I was seeing people around us.

We walked from there to the dingy bus stop next to the tea shop. We settled in a corner which had no lights. I was afraid that she’d put her hands between my thighs and move it further up. But I think I was looking forward to it more than being afraid.

She sat in the last of the aluminum chair, slightly turned towards me, crossed leg. Left leg on top. The thigh cuts on the left when touching the right was too damn sexy even though there wasn’t any light, I could feel it. I wanted to touch it. I kept staring at it. I knew that she knew me staring at it. What am I doing with this woman here? Nail her Vikram, cried my inner conscience.

She smiled at me as if a mother smiles at her child, when she sees her kid prying for a sweet or two which she had made and wouldn’t mind the child taking it even though she would look with a stern eye. She looked at me in that way. Wouldn’t even prostitute go ahead and do the first move… Damn this women kind.

“What you wanted to talk?” got me out of my admiration and anxiety.

“No… I mean what are you doing here?” I blurted out. As soon as I start talking I make myself an idiot. I’m an artist only when I’m dreaming. I got a doubt. Was I dreaming? I can’t do such a silly thing as that of pinching myself in front of a hot lady, even if she is a prostitute.

“I’m doing prostitution.”

I didn’t expect such a direct answer.

“But you are a working woman, you are beautiful, you have admirers in office, then why do you have to do that?” I started with my self-righteousness but didn’t miss the chance to say that she looked beautiful. Well… sexy would be the word but I couldn’t correct after that.

“Thank you… but I do it on my own will…”

Even for a so called open minded person like me, it was a shock.

“Yes…” she nodded.

“But isn’t there a reason for it?”

“No”

I kept on looking at her. By now I had forgotten that she is someone whom I shouldn’t talk to.

“This is the story you wanted is it?”

“It’s not about the story…” I lied.

“You choose your subject wisely. I would make a good story isn’t it?” said she. I wanted her to say that she had read my stories but she disappointed me again.

“What do you want to know? A father who tried to rape her own child, an uncle who sold her niece to a prostitution center, a naked photo shot with her pimp boyfriend which went viral so the girl got pushed into prostitution?” she gave all sorts of answers. But there has to be some reason isn’t it.

“Do you ever ask a policeman, why he wanted to be a policeman without having a troubled past. There you can understand the difference between fiction and reality isn’t it? Then why doesn’t that logic apply here?”

“But that’s different…”

“Because its police and I’m a slut,” I definitely would want to be hurt at a different place.

“You mean to say that you got into prostitution because you wanted to get into it?”

“I mean to say that I love sex and that’s why I got into prostitution.”

“I know what’s your next question is going to be. I know with my figure I could have had sex with any man I want. Not that I didn’t but with you people I’m not getting that satisfaction. You people are so afraid that you’d hurt me.”

“This is bed and you are fucking, why do you people want to be good boys?”

It was heavy for me. But these things too she wasn’t saying in a rage, she wasn’t saying in a saint’s tone too. She was saying it like just another girl whom you could finally take it to a coffee shop after a lot of struggle.

Generally I’m a good conversationalist. I use my knowledge powers to talk about one thing or the other. But she hit me hard, very hard. I felt as if I was gasping for breath. I got a high respect for this women. Not that prostitutes creeped me out. I wouldn’t even mind marrying a prostitute. I don’t know what’s the big deal. But it’s like parents who would say ‘no’ to love marriage citing the society as reason, I would say ‘no’ to a prostitute for the same reason.

While I was turning my gaze to the road to see buses flying past…

“Don’t be afraid no one would doubt you…”

“Sorry?” said I.

“No one would think that you have paid me to talk to me and do things…”

“Do things… you mean here? In the bus stop”

“It’s dark,” she said.

I kept quiet for some time.

“But what made you think that I would not ask you out?”

“Ask me out? How sweet you are…”

I understood my mistake.

“You are afraid,” she said.

I was tired of her finding out everything. I didn’t want to lie. So kept quiet.

“And I think you are in love.” But this I didn’t know how she found it.

“I’m not a kind of person who falls in love.”

“Is she the one who comes for breakfast with you?” Damn these women… I said a sentence before…

“No she has never comes, she never will.”

“Good girls go to heaven… bad girls go everywhere…” said she and laughed. I hated that ideology but loved her spontaneity. I had never met a woman before with so much wit. I would gladly pay the amount to talk to her, that the customers pay to fuck her.

“How come no one were giving you a second look? Or are they scared like me too”

“I’m costly…” said her and smiled back.

“If you do not mind, would you like to tell me how much. Even if I couldn’t afford…”

She liked my joke, “ten thousand”

I gasped, “ten thousand?”

She laughed.

“No I don’t mean to…”

She understood, “I know”

“Is this what the rate is?”

“No it could be as cheap as one fifty rupees”

“That’s the cost of my tennis grip,” I was getting more and more comfortable talking to her.

“It’s better to have a grip in this way,” I’m falling for this girl.

“It could go above ten thousand too?”

“Yes but I prefer to do the streets, its more exciting.” Who the hell is she?

“How come you are not sold out today?” I understood my mistake, “I don’t know whether it’s the right word to use.”

“I said I do it upon my will… and you… it’s good that you don’t know the terms. Your wife is lucky”

I liked to hear that from her. Even though it projected me a good boy image, I felt manly.

It was 3 PM. I generally miss the 11 PM cab intentionally and come by 12 PM cab. I use the one hour to write but that day I hated myself for wasting an hour daily. May be 1.45 isn’t her regular time. May be she comes early. Comes early… ha ha. What a pun… I’d have got a great friend to talk to at the time of my night. Ya people would not have definitely approved it but the ones going home at that time wouldn’t have had the energy in them to complain to my parents about me spending time with a prostitute. Or who knows they’d have spent their ten thousand much before seeing me with her.

I had a lot of questions. But it became 3 PM. She understood that I had got late. I didn’t understand what she’d be doing next. I didn’t know whether she was real too because when I walked away from her, I could only see darkness in the place we sat. She couldn’t have chosen a better location for her ‘job’. Even if she had been a ghost I could appreciate her for choosing that location.

I smiled at her, I think my smile would have been beautiful at that time. Don’t know why but it made me feel so. I went back to my house and slept.

Today

I was sitting for breakfast, as usual alone, as usual trying to chew my food on my right canine because my left canine is slightly misplaced.

She came, laughing as usual, hitting the guys’ arm who were with her. I kept on looking at her. She didn’t even glance at me. Even when she did, it was the usual glance that a girl gives a guy when a guy stares at her.

I was confused whether yesterday night was a dream, was she a twin of her, have I attained nirvana or was she really, as I thought, a ghost!

 

 

I wanted to put this up on New Year’s Day but what’s the point writing just for the sake of releasing on the day that you want to, rather than feeling nostalgic about it. Sometimes the full stop excites you more than a fresh start. Year end is something like that to me. Even though a part of me feels bad for getting older. I like the feeling of ticking off the lists in a stipulated time. It must be more of year end celebration than a New Year celebration.

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Ever since rain and postponement of guitar exam my schedule was spoilt. I’m a man who lives by time table. It was very tough for me to cope up with six day week, to shift plans that I had for Saturdays and work pressure and personal problems etc.

But now when I’m writing this on a Saturday Jan the 2nd, a couple of days after watching Premam the second time and in a better frame of mind I feel content. In fact before I typed the word content I typed ‘happy’ but erased and made it to ‘content’. I guess I’ll never be happy again. Happiness has become more or less a myth to me. Like how I accepted the job that I don’t like, as my career and how I will accept the wife whom I’m going to marry as my better half even though I won’t like her, I’ll also get used to the fact that I can’t be happy anymore.

This could be one of my best articles. I could feel that. I just watched the part where Nivin Pauly cries for Malar. I used that scene as a catalyst to increase my emotion.

I’ll jolt down the top 11 things of the year. Might be good or bad, I could even have left something very important but at this point this is what I feel like writing and this is how it goes.

11. Guitar – The one thing I’m not at all able to master, let alone mastering, I’m not even able to play decently. Worst was the final intermediate exam was postponed. Otherwise I’d have at least been happy that I’m in advanced stage. But one good thing is I got distinction for the first time by scoring 91 in the 4th grade exam. What’s even better was I went to office that day as it was John’s last day so I didn’t even had to take leave. Even though things didn’t turn according to the plan the day went on well.

10. Wishing friends on their birthday – I made it a point that I’d be wishing my best friends at the stroke of midnight by being with them. It so happened that I could go with liquor for both Lokesh and Arun’s birthday. Vimal being onsite wasn’t in my list but Jeeva I could have met even though he likes aging more than birthday. Happy 27 dude. Sorry that I couldn’t make it on your birthday.

9. Lights On – Ever since the performance on stage by Tabula Rasa I was on a high. Start of year was epic for me. Lights On happened at that time. What I thought would take only me to function, crushed my ego and told me how important a team is. And what a team we are. Jeeva once said after observing in another group formed by some of the core members, “ennada elarum ipdi irukanga.” I was like, “epdi enga alunga. Tharu mara?”

8. Short film – I wanted to make a short film and had taken a resolution that I wouldn’t watch a movie till I make one. I did the same. For first four months of the year I hadn’t watched a single movie. I made a short film, not something to be so proud of but quite curiously got more than 50 likes for the video. May be people felt pity for me or they liked it I don’t know. I should thank Ramya for accepting the role because it is close to real life and one way of indirectly proposing to her. I love all my heroines and she’s the first one. Hope my honesty doesn’t offend you.

7. Tabula Rasa – When I thought that I’ve lost everything after Jeeva quitting company and going through a breakup phase this happened. We all bonded and like how? As much as I hate the name, I love the people in it. It has become our identity. And the way with which they respect me is phenomenal. Feels so good to be part of a gang where people think that you make sense. I’ve been the most honest and most brutal with this group. All the outings, be it OK Kanmani, Premam, Night outs, parties and especially Palakkad trip were special. There was a moment after Soma and I came out of water. Everyone were sitting around the pool and experiencing something. What I thought, to be something that people came out of my compulsion had become Nirvana to them. It was so happy to see them like that.

6. Ladakh – What to say about is. It was two years of hard work. Pitch perfect planning, which is something that I could be proud of. Even though I had decided that I would go to Ladakh on 2015 I don’t know whether I would have been able to complete it without my fellow riders. Just like that while waiting for my Ghee Karam I met Bhuvanesh and told about this plan and he introduced me to Parthi who in turn pulled in his gang for the trip. Bhuvanesh had to drop out due to his exams but icing on the cake was John joining it. You need to have at least one best friend when you do a tour of your life time. He was my dream catcher in Ladakh. And what amazing people I met. Antoine became such a nice friend and I’m quite impressed with Siva, whom I thought to be a nagging girlfriend riding as Fahad’s pillion but when I see the quotes shared by her and the thoughts put up in face book in addition to her photography skills I look in awe. What a talent. There was a moment when Parthi lost his break shoes and felt bad about it. For me it was the moment of Ladakh. I like people who feel guilty. It was so human!

5. Karthik concert with family – This has to go into the list. What I thought I’m going to do with my drama gang became a family outing thanks to the last minute cancellation of plan by Smitha. And boy how did they enjoy the show. I sat in the middle between by dad and mom. The way they were smiling and replying for the questions that he put up to the audience, I was flabbergasted. Ever since he gave a reprise of ‘Aha mella nada’ we never fail to miss it whenever it appears in TV. What a talent.

4. Book, Review shared by Rajat Kapoor– I never thought this would go so down in my list. I think people who are reading or people who are at least interested to know the list and know me would have thought that this would be at the top of the list. I could put it at no.1 but who am I cheating. The book is a failure. It’s time to accept that. As soon as it got released I thought people would throng to buy it. I’ll collect profit within Infy itself. There was an article by my publisher about how to sell first 100 copies. I was laughing at it thinking. 100 copies would be a piece of cake. Now I know what it is to sell the book. There were things that I didn’t like which I did for the book. I didn’t like the way I persisted few to buy books, I didn’t like the way I talked about the book as soon as I said ‘hi’ to someone. I didn’t like the way many were compelled to buy the book just because I shouldn’t feel bad. Sorry I would keep that in mind while I publish my next book. I don’t want to be a guy who sells books like Tupperware next time. But above all when there are numerous people who still think, “I should write a book” or “I should have written a book”. Here I’m with a book with absolutely no compromise from cover to cover. How many can claim that? Like how Alex and Vimal said, “book elam ezuthirukae, ithelam ena china vishiyama.” It indeed is big.

In terms of writing there was a review by Ankhon Dekhi which Rajat Kapoor, the director himself starred and retweeted in his account. That was a lovely feeling.

3. Women in my life – Now this is a curious topic. I thought I’d put up a whole new article about it on women’s day but as this year marked few memorable moments with my female friends I’ll jolt it down here. Before the year the only female friend whom I was close with was Sushrita. But this year I got Aruna, Smitha and Kavya to be my friends. The problem with me is that I fall in love with every women I befriend. It stayed true even here, at least one half in the list.

Sushrita – We lost touch post our Infy bench days but your marriage paved way for one more unplanned family trip of the year. It was even the more special as you made me travel on the day of my birthday.

Aruna – Even though you don’t let me sleep at least till Sholinganallur toll gate in the morning it was pleasure to ‘put scene’ in front of you talking about all my travel deeds and you would be so proud talking about me to someone else. As soon as I get philosophical you just nod, not understanding anything but still it was kind of sweet. I think I’m missing you the most in bus. Even though I could sleep more and read more I’m missing my confession moments in bus.

Smitha – I think I’ve behaved as the most irritating bastard to you. I also think that you’ve got some very good moments with me. May be you might have had better moments than the best moments that we had together but still it qualifies as the best to me. In spite of having innumerable friends and treating me as a close friend made me special. For most part of the year, it was you on whom I took it on. Thank you for being my rag picker and sorry for how I’m behaving today.

Kavya – J I know you don’t like PDWA (Public Display of Wordly Affection). Sorry for tagging you. If I had done it on 31st I’d have been able to kept my promise of not disturbing you much this year but sorry for the delay. It’d be the last time that I’m tagging you. I’ll post the rest in your inbox. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable. Ping me once you finish reading the article.

I don’t think I have it in me to befriend anymore female friends for I don’t make friends, I become friends. I’m over and out with this aspect. Next is only going to my unhappy marriage.

2. Rains and Politics – It not only wreaked havoc in Chennai. It wreaked havoc in my life too. Expect for the amazing food that Ramesh’s mother gave and the travel back home the next day, the after effects were a pretty too serious. I started hating politicians after watching few stupid interviews. There was one guy saying, “mazai vantha uyir poga than seyum, athunala ena pana mudiyum.” I felt like castrating him. Motherfucker. I have never been much involved in welfare or politics but this time it made me angry. Stopped watching the news channels post that. Don’t know it was because of the rain or because of my personal depression. That period was hell for me.

1. Tennis – This is one thing I learnt new this year. I’m happy that I could do at least one new thing per year. But like you, even I didn’t expect this to be no. 1 but I can’t forget the moment. I’m naturally good when it comes to sports. Only football I missed to play. A couple of months back when we were playing a tough doubles match there was a powerful shot to the left of me. I ran in front and hit a backhand straight court shot with even more force and in motion. Whole court looked in awe. ‘What a shot’ claimed the coach. It was like the catch I took as a wicket keeper while defending 34 runs against big boys. I lost it there, I lost it here. I’m not very good in tennis but that one shot would summarize my year. If I make this year of mine into a film I’ll finish it with this like how Venkat Prabhu did with his Chennai – 28 where ball hits the screen. This is my fucking game. (Something totally unnecessary but felt like saying)

Even though the year was quite productive it wasn’t an entirely happy one. I guess 2014 was. I hope some year down the line beats 2014 as the best year. For this year I have to complete a couple of exams in guitar and start playing songs, improve salsa, write the next book without self-publishing, shoot a better short film, shoot a song, increase skills in camera and learn post processing, complete the missed Tadiandamol trek and plan for Chadar. Life is busy and I like it that way. I don’t think I’ll make this year-end thing as a daily habit. I missed updating top 10 films, books list for the year which I always wanted to do. May be next year. Until then, Cya!

What am i

Posted: May 31, 2011 in Just Like That

I like the term trilogy. Three part movies like Matrix, Dollars trilogy, Death trilogy and 3 part books like LOTR, Prison diaries etc continue to fascinate me. If it’s a series it has to be 3. More than that becomes boring and less than that becomes incomplete. Only exception being Harry Potter. A series of 7 books which I thoroughly enjoyed. So let me conclude my series of questions with this third question. What am i?

Sometimes, before starting the topic itself you’ll know how long you gonna write about it and how many parts you gonna write about it. You even know the names of the consecutive books like Archer knew that he has to name the third prison diary as Heaven even though it wasn’t really the same. Our heart really fails to accept certain things in spite of knowing its wrong. Can a prison be heaven? Never. Archer knows it I know it we all know it still nobody questions coz that’s what his heart said. So I’m gonna continue with the topic without any clue what I’m gonna write about. And the topic is What am I?

I never thought I’d be writing the third part of Series of questions in my office. But I’m actually doing it. Even though not directly updating my blog, I’m preparing a rough draft to my third part which most probably will be my final draft.

I’ve now completed 4 ½ months in infy without any real interest. FYI I’ve never had interest in any of my main courses. Let it be schooling, college, anything. Only the things that I do which I’m not supposed to compulsorily do excite me. It’s Not only about movies and cricket. Every little thing like share market, finance, arts etc does interest me. If I had done those things in my college I’d have surely hated it. But when I get to talk about these things with my friends and if suppose I don’t happen to know about some topic I get the information from somewhere no matter how weird the topic might be. Well that’s me. At first I thought that it’s only studies that I’m dis interested. Once I got into work I discovered this phenomenon that I’m not interested in anything which i do during weekdays. Amazing na.

Even now my grandma snoring from behind suddenly gets up and says that its god’s grace that i got job and there are still so many without job. Huh fed up of all these bull shit ideologies. When am i ever gonna live my life.

I cannot go without quoting these lines

“Saari Umr Hum
Mar Mar ke jee liye
Ek pal to ab humein
Jeene Do Jeene do

Give me some Sunshine
give me some rain
Give me another chance
wanna grow up once again…”

Why am i

Posted: March 21, 2011 in Just Like That

Main aisa kyun hoon. Vinoo once rightly pointed out that i’m very much like first half Hrithik in ‘Lakshya’. No he didn’t compare my cuteness quotient with that of Hrithik. If you had known me, you would know what he would’ve meant. If you don’t know me and if you are an ardent fan of Tamil classics here is another clue. My mom once said that I’m like the youngest Sivaji Ganesan in ‘Theiva Magan’. If you still couldn’t figure it out, the point is I’m a clueless guy hanging around without any real aim in life. Without a ‘Lakshya’ in this earth. Main aisa kyun hoon.

This is the reason why i like movies where the protagonist doesn’t have any real aim in life. Movies like Wake up Sid, Good Will Hunting really moved me. According to me Good Will Hunting is a prime example of how a man should take up his life.

I shouldn’t have started with this topic today for I’m unnaturally happy though i know it’ll be short lived. Don’t know whether its because of the mystery girl that I’ve breakfast with. For a change she wasn’t her usual self today. She was dull and i was cheerful. Whenever i meet her in the morning i used to get assigned loads of work but somehow at the end of the day I’ll be happy. Some girl she is. And there is this guy, Selva who for a change went to bus before me and reserved me a seat. Sometimes days turn fruitful like this for no real reason.

But sometimes i sit and look up at the messenger and think of every girl in my list. What’s she doing? Why isn’t she messaging me? Is she talking to some other fellow? Every girl here doesn’t mean every girl. You people know what i mean. Why am i like this?

There is a girl in my office who i call as my best friend. She played a prank on me. “It was just a prank” that’s how those girls describe it but i couldn’t take it that way. I felt annoyed for no real reason. If it had been done by a guy i wouldn’t even have thought about it the next second. Why is it always a girl who could make a guy so happy as well as so irritating? Is it only me or the whole sterner sex who think like this? I know the answer. You know it too. Why am i like this?

I started this topic without knowing what i’m going write and this is the beauty of this blog. There is absolutely no paper work so everything will be spontaneous and right out from the heart.

Sometime back i read ‘Foutainhead’. There was an excellent quote about Howard Roark, the lead character in that book. “The one who is interested in everything but committed to nothing” Why am i like this?

Who am i

Posted: March 13, 2011 in Just Like That

After all the nudges and trudges here is my blog. It took a hell lotta time to create one. Didn’t know that blog making would be this difficult, after seeing all these blogs, numerous ideologies etc. First things first. Why a blog for me? For someone who just doesn’t have an idea of what to do next. Well, that’s the point that’s why i want to get started.

I don’t really have any idea what I’m going to do next. Again and again I’m annoyed with this question. “Tell me about yourself?”. First who am i and what should i tell about myself. Thank god i wasn’t asked this question in Infosys interview. In spite of sitting and thinking for a whole long week at that time i couldn’t get an answer for that question. Now don’t give me a are-you-kiddin-dude look. Yes i went into the interview without knowing what to say if they ask about me. Luck favored and i got this job without being asked this question. After then i didn’t think of that question again. Vaguely one year after my interview and now in job this question is haunting me again.

I’ve completed one fourth of my lifetime, assuming an average human being lives for 80 years but have done nothing. First 20 years in human life is all about discovering oneself. But i couldn’t do a bit of it. After all I’m just another kid born to live life the way it has been lived over the past years.

Talking about my parents, they’re from poor family and regular rags to riches prototypes. I know four out of five people have this story. Dad with only one meal per day, mom with two meals per day having no money even to pay school fees but against all odds excelling in life. Excelling here means getting a government job, making their children study by giving a donation in a well reputed school, paying a hefty donation and getting an ECE seat in top engineering college and then saving money for their marriage. All this middle class norms have a basic formula. Eat medicine before you get affected. But are they eating the right medicine. God knows. God here doesn’t mean… Ok lets talk about philosophy later.

Like millions of you fellow mates I’m also from such family. Parents well educated, in my case very very well educated (Both got school first in their SSLC. Applause please). They did some course in college, got all the opportunity in the world to pursue further but they couldn’t afford, yes couldn’t AFFORD. Isn’t it terrible? Because they are the ones who paid 5 laks donation to a kid who doesn’t really know what ECE is. Your guess is right the kid is me. They also paid a donation of RS 10,000 for my school admission. My sister is doing really well in school. Let’s talk about her later after all this blog is about me and i don’t really know what i did in school, college etc because i’m yet to discover myself. Here i’m sitting and typing, venting my frustration.

People who get frustrated for no reason like me either go to a pub, temple, talk to friends, cry in bathroom or just accept that its part of life. For me that’s when i like to write or blog. I feel like a loser for no reason. I’ve not been that bad in anything i did. I’m an average human being who does everything an average human being does. I did all those and was pretty satisfied. But now the uncertainty looms over. What am i going to do in life? I’m completely clueless about the answer. All i know is that i gotta become famous. How? By what? No one knows, even i don’t know. This blog is to discover or invent (i used both these words here to show that i know the difference between two) that. And yea i’m a show off, if i know something i couldn’t stop gushing about it. The people who meet me, within a couple of days will get to know that i’m interested in cricket, movies, books, chicks etc( not in any chronological order).