Onnum Perusa Solrathukila

Posted: October 9, 2016 in Just Like That
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I’ve a very hazy memory of a scene in Airport, a Sathyaraj film which used to be telecasted in DD National during my school days. When one of his friends, looking at his small sized pant, asks him whether his his dad still hasn’t got him a trousers after his school days? Sathyaraj doesn’t know how to react, he gives a weird expression.

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In a Rajninkanth film, I think Thambiku Entha Ooru, he stands outside a rich person’s house, tied to a rope. I think because he was involved in some mischievous act involving the rich man’s daughter Madhavi. When the girl from the house where Rajnikanth says, comes with food and sympathizes him, he takes his hand out of the rope which he has been holding. That’s how my life is. This scene keeps on lingering in my mind, how I’m keeping my life at bay.

I mean I wanted to write this like a message I send to my friend in whatsapp, deep, emotional and honest. But as soon as you want to put it as an article things change, you become more decent, you become more structured and that loses half the essence. Honestly gets diluted. That’s the thing with brain hand coordination. By the time what brain thinks comes out as words typed with your fingers, half the essence is lost. But still to write something deeply emotional and moving requires a special talent.

That’s where a J. D. Salinger, a Woody Allen come to the fore. There was a discussion about certain movies in movies group where one annoying thorn among the bushes says that he could associate with films like Tree of Life and Werckmeister Harmonies more than Vinnaithandi Varuvaya and Wake Up Sid. I’m very happy that he doesn’t like Woody Allen, god I’m saved.

As I was sitting at the beach and was talking honestly, I mean I’ve been an honest person for most part but that honesty that talk with parents, the things that you have never talked, the things that they don’t think you could talk, that feels good. That always happens in trips. When we are in trips where my dad doesn’t think about the next share market crash, my mom doesn’t think about what she is going to make for her breakfast, they seem to be the most reasonable parents ever. I feel shy but yes at that point I love my parents. I feel as if, they wouldn’t create a single problem if I bring a girl to them and say that I love her. They look that good.

Then I was seeing all those bachelor gangs, talking loudly, the couples, the couples with kids. Everyone looked happy. At least that’s what you see when you are sad. When I mean sad, don’t ask me reason for it, I’m sad that’s it. It’s not some rare disease which would fly off from some mystery headache.

Of all this time the couples with kids attracted me the most. I don’t know how many of them would have married the ones they loved, I don’t know how many smiling faces have a background breakup. As soon as you see a couple happily playing with their kids we assume that they are happy couple. Maybe they don’t fight with each other but they’d still be having memories. When I fast forward myself in future and think of marrying some random girl whom I haven’t loved, I doubt very much whether I could live life to my fulfilment. May be I’ll have kids, I’ll have enough money in my bank account, I’ll get onsite etc. but that feeling to have not lived with a person with whom you dreamt of living, would it vanish all of a sudden.

What’s worse is you don’t know whether the other person too had the similar feelings or as they say, they never really loved. There is always confusion, thinking that they are lying for the betterment of both but then in the very next second you think, what if its real, another second you think you can never be wrong, no one could talk like that without having been in love, may be they themselves don’t know it. When you see that the other person is also going to suffer and you tell about it, they only think that you think yourself as someone superior and not that you being honest.

I don’t know, people tell me that I do a lot of activities, it’s just a drug to escape from reality. Even though when I think that now I have a lot more to tell when asked ‘about me’, when I think deeply whether everything I’m doing, good or bad, is what I really wanted to do. I don’t have an answer. After a moment of silence I always tell ‘onnum perusa solrathukila da.’ It’s a dejected tone. A Sunday night feeling which you got to accept and go to office next day.

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