The Guy Stuff – Chapter 1

Posted: July 23, 2012 in Movie Reviews
Tags: ,

“Life is such a b***h, until you get on it and f**k it back and that too in your own style it’s going to keep bothering you. Here I’d like to say that I prefer doggy style.”

–          Anonymous

And that anonymous is me.

“Pondy. Friday night. Deal?”I texted to three of my best friends. The cell phone which I had kept next to the mouse vibrated. This time I correctly took the cell phone instead of the mouse. I checked the message. It said, “Done,” then the second one came then the third one came and it all said one word. “Done”

Stage was set. I so badly wanted to get out of the routine. Being a Monday morning the first thing I could think of was Friday. That Friday was extra special for us because it was going to be the last week we all are going to be together. One from our gang was going to get married.

Manager with his scrutinizing looks kept on staring at me from his cubicle. I was the most unfortunate of all the team members. I had a cubicle right next to our PM. Every now and then when he gets bored he gets out of the cubicle makes an annoying sound while stretching himself and calls me, “what Vikram?” I would be like, ‘What what Vikram? What does that mean’?

Then he’ll ask, “Busy ah?” As if you’ll let me be free.

“Yes Soori I have a job to run then do this integration testing.” He wants to hear this every time from me. After that he gets content and continues with his work. I b***h about my work and I too continue my work. This happens every other day. I so badly wanted to get rid of the monotonous work. Get drunk. Party. That’s why I messaged my best friends and was over the moon as I got an affirmative reply. Not that I expected anything in negative but still it felt good.

I ran the job which I was supposed to run before 9 and went out to take a puff. I decided to call the three of them to confirm about the plans. I took out my phone and searched for the letter ‘M’ as I couldn’t by heart the numbers and these guys keep changing their numbers. I called Mega. After 10 rings he picked up the phone and lazily said, “Hellooooo.”

I said, “Vikram.”

“Dude ‘sup dude.How ya?”

“Hold on conference call”

“Early mornin’..Conference even before coffee.Maennnn..” Man he says like ‘maennn.’ His style you see.

“It’s 9 you f***a. Okay hold on”

This is Mega for you. This guy talks swallowing half of the words. Starts and ends the sentence with the same word. Uses two negatives in sentence and does all sort of crap and makes it tough for us to understand. He calls it American English or in his style ‘merican English. Vignesh Maharaja Ram is his name. Like his heavy weight name he too is hefty guy weighing 200Kg. Mind it not 200 pounds. He works as a rapper cum DJ in a Meditteranenan Midnight, a famous nightclub in Nungambakkam.

If you had had a DJ friend you’d know by what means he could be helpful. One, he could get us the left over drinks and make a brilliant cocktail. Two, he could get me a room within minutes if I get lucky with a girl which I often do. And three, well there is not three. Just came with the flow. Will let you know what else he’s useful about in coming chapters. We fondly call him Mega. Suits him ain’t it? Oh crap I’m talking like him.

Like every DJ he wears oversized clothes, though it’s tough to get oversized clothes for someone who’s six feet height and weighs more than 200 kg. This DJ tag gives him one more reason to talk in his hep, read as broken English of his.

I called Jeeva then, my office mate.

“Hello,” he said in a perfectly normal tone. The way one would say hello when one is deeply immersed in code.

“Jeeva hey Jeeva,” said Mega excitedly.

“Mega how are you? Long time no see,” enquired Jeeva.

“When the hell are you going to learn to talk in a conference call. How many times I’ve said that you’ve to say ‘over’ once it’s over.”

“It ain’t over ‘til it’s over maen. Over” said Mega.

“haha… over” said Jeeva.

“Okay enough. Shut up I’ve to all Alex”

“You didn’t say over. Over” said Mega.

“Ha hahahaha. Over” said Jeeva.

“@ss holes please shut up” said I and gave a pause. I didn’t want them to continue so said, “Over.”

Before calling Alex let me tell you about Jeeva. If you ask me to define a loser in single word its Jeeva. Don’t tell me loser itself is a single word why do we need another word to define it. Calls himself G Waugh like Steve Waugh or Mark Waugh but there is nothing wahwah about G Waugh. So I prefer calling him as Jeeva. He will be addressed as Jeeva from here on.

He’s a typical middle class guy who cribs about his work, goes home takes care of his parents, has an annoying girlfriend. 6 years in relationship and he hasn’t even kissed. Now you get how big a loser he is. On top of it his girlfriend is not worth such a commitment. No guy in right mind would have got committed with her.

Jeeva you can call him tall, dark and handsome type. I don’t think he’s as handsome as me but okay he’ll feel happy if I address him as such. There is nothing much to tell about this guy. Just a normal brat. You’ll discover about him too in coming chapters.

Then I ringed Alex. He picked up as soon as I called.

“Vikram. How the hell are you man?”

“I’m great dude. Conference call. Mega and Jeeva too are there. Over”

“Oh great. Fat @ss and Scrubby hair how are you? Over” At least there was one guy who knows to talk in a conference call.

“Hey smarty pants hey man. Howsya” said Mega which overlapped with what Jeeva said, “Gym boy I’m great. How are you?”

Neither he nor I could understand what they both said. “Use ‘over’ idiots. Talk one by one. Over” said I.

“kay. Over” said Mega and Jeeva too repeated the same. Alex gave a laugh.

Alex, probably the best looking guy in our gang. He works as gym master. Did BSc Chemistry on his dads’ insistence but discontinued after a year because he couldn’t clear even a single paper. I don’t know why I always feel all good looking guys are brainy but in his case it was wrong. He is all muscles with absolutely no G.K. But knows life better.Works hard daily, literally.

He has 8 packs, broad shoulders and is fit and tall. In fact everyone is taller than me in our gang. Being a 5 foot 10 inch person and being the shortest guy in the gang can you imagine how I’d feel? He had everything a woman would crave for. But he gave a shock of our life when he said he’s in love with Peter. Yes he’s gay. You don’t have to come close to monitor widen your pupil, go back and read it again. What you read it right. He’s gay. I feel creepy when I even talk about it. It’s for his bachelor’s party that we were going. Coming weekend is his marriage.

I continued, “you guys fine with the plan right?”

“Yea maen fix it maen. I ain’tgonna go nowhere” said Mega.

“Yea fine” said Jeeva.

“Yes bro. Over” said Alex. I was relieved as he addressed me bro.

“Okay then. Over” said I.

“Okay lemme catch up with some sleep. Will call ya’ later tonight,” said Mega.

“No calling business. This time no planning and S#!t. I’ll come on Friday night and will pick all of you. See you guys then.”

The stuff continues…


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