The Guy Stuff – Chapter 5

“Oh wow maen. Grass. Just the thing I needed,” said Mega and pulled the packet in my right hand. Instead I gave the one in my left hand.

“But what’s the color difference,” asked Alex scrutinizing both the packets keenly. Mega got busy rolling joints with his tummy facing down. When it comes to rolling joints no one can beat mega.

“Need paper man,” said Mega.

“Use paper in it,” said Jeeva smoking his tenth cigarette and threw his wallet to Mega. Just because he doesn’t smoke in office once he gets hold of cigarette he doesn’t let go of it.

“I missin’somepin?Wheres the paper maen?” asked Mega.

“Take the one cursed paper which f***s the whole life,” said Jeeva.

“F***s the whole life. Don everyone f**k us?” asked Mega.

“Fatso he’s asking you to take money outta his wallet,” said I. Only then it stuck Megas head. He started to roll joints taking out the hundred rupee notes from Jeeva’s wallet.

“Well before that,” I said. It took some time for everyone to look at me hazily. “Shouldn’t we move a step ahead in ladder? How long all this boring mommas stuff, grass and beer?”

They were too dizzy to answer so I continued. “Hard drugs dumb @$$ holes, coke.” One mention at it and everyone got up.

Again we rolled a hundred rupee note and snorted. It burned our nose then the insides and then we were in totally different world. If grass was pleasure, coke was ecstasy.

“Man Priya man. My…” started Jeeva.

“Stop you black @$$ don’t start your love story. The only topic guys discuss after drinking is girls and add to it bloody love failure. I don’t want to hear this $#!t again,” said I firmly to Jeeva.

Mega who was lying face down rolling the joints gave us all a joint. The first puff was ecstatic. I loved the weightlessness. We all were sitting on the ground. I kept my legs over mega’s @$$. Felt like a cushion and kept on enjoying each and every puff. Alex was to my left looking at the burning rupee note. He was improperly sitting in the corner of the small room looking down and stashing the ash. Jeeva whereas was in different world. Sitting below tube light, closing his eyes and balancing the joint by keeping his hand on his knees.

We all were silent. The much needed silence. It happens every time after our first puff of weed. This time cocaine added further more impact to it.

“F**k this life man…,” said Alex. We exactly knew what he meant by that. We are god’s unwanted children. We didn’t like to exist in the world. We even formed a face book page to pre celebrate the December 12 disaster. We were one eager guys who wanted the world to end.

“Someone has to talk somepin ‘m gettin’ bored here,” said Mega. We didn’t respond. So he continued, “‘k lets here what the lady hater needs to talk.”

“When did I say that I’m a lady hater?” asked I.

“I just said in general. Only you replied so that makes you the lady hater,” said Mega which made everyone laugh. I didn’t because the joke was about me.

“Shut up. I’m no misogynist. Would I be roaming with so many girls if I’m a misogynist?” I asked him.

Jeeva asked, “But I’m amazed how do you so easily hit on girls?”

“It’s not too tough. There are a lot of nice girls who don’t make any fuzz. Only the ones you check out are terrible ones.”

“You’ve never had any problem once you’re done with a girl?” asked Jeeva.

“Not exactly”

“Then there is somepin’” said Mega.

“Leave that. Give me a joint,” I asked Mega.

“’ll give you a joint alright but tell the story. Somebody has to tell some story”

I got the joint now rolled with a five hundred rupee note, “it sure feels good to smoke when the denomination increases,” said I. Alex gave a nervous chuckle. He wasn’t interested in all this talk about girls. Neither was I but they insisted. Jeeva was all ears.

“There was one girl, I don’t even remember her name. hmmm”

“Don remember the name. Whoa,” said Mega.

“Stop the sarcasm. YaAkshaya.Akshaya was her name.Bloody b***h.”

“The master starts…” said Mega.

“Once we made love on a Friday night. Remember you got me the room in 4^th floor in some hotel in Egmore?”

“Oh yea…”

“After lunch I dropped her at home and said all the usual stuff about the previous night. We had nice dirty talks during nights. Every time I met her in office she winked and gave me all naughty signals. After a month she said that she’d like to go out again. I got bored of her by then so I said that my packets were empty. But she insisted about us going and said she’d spend. A girl without spending money, can you imagine that? I said yes like an idiot without thinking about the conspiracy. ”

“Then,” asked Jeeva. Now even Alex was listening.

“S#!t don be so desperate. Wait,” said I and continued, “Then we met at the same place in Egmore. She had booked the room that we first f****d. B***h.”

“Cut the crap. Tell the story,” said Jeeva again.

“And when I went there at about 10.30 after my office…”

—

“You know what?” she asked.

“Yeah baby I’m all ears,” said I lighting my first cigarette. She came close to me took the cigarette of my lips. Our lips were close together.

“But you like the smell don’t you?” I said.

“Ya but someone here doesn’t like it.”

I was confused, “Who else is there?” said and grabbed her closer by holding on to her slender waist. She had a nice little waist line. I like the moment I slid through her waist. Such smooth curve it produces.

“You know what?” ok b***h come to the point.

“Yea baby i’m waiting,”

“I’m pregnant…” she said.

—–

“What the f**k?” cried Mega and got up. Jeeva came close to me. Alex too closed in.

“Then?” asked Jeeva.

“Then what I thought of the same words Mega said but didn’t tell it out. I looked exasperated. I was damned. I looked at her with my horrifying eyes without knowing what to do. I couldn’t ask her about the pills. I couldn’t ask her about abortion.  I was damned man I was so damned.”

“So what happened?” Jeeva interrupted.

“Seeing me exasperated she started laughing.”

—

The Stuff Continues…

The Guy Stuff- Chapter 4

As soon as we saw a ‘Pondicherry welcomes you’ board above us we took a sharp left turn. The tires on the left side of the car almost disappeared owing to the pressure.

“Dude where are you going?” Alex cried out from behind because with the speed I was driving and rock songs blasting we could hardly hear each other.

“Wait and see…” said I and drove for another five minutes. There seemed to be no road and no lights. I was driving in no man’s land, at least that’s what they thought but no one complained.

After some time everyone saw a big cave like opening through which I took them. I drove in full speed inside the cave which wasn’t lighted in any way. It was artificial but looked as real as it could. I switched off even our cars head light and shouted, “woohoo” followed by a collective shriek by everyone. I drove for some more time and only when they saw Vegas like lighting they gasped for breath.

“What the f**k is this man?” said Jeeva who was the only one who could open his mouth and talk. Others were left to wonder.

There was a ramp like area through which I had to go through for parking. I drove straight into it drifted and went to the top floor in Tokyo Drift fashion. Left the car there and came down to ‘The Den’ the unknown official club for doing everything a man would want to do.

As soon as we entered the den we saw a couple making out. Jeeva kept on staring at them. I had to hit him in shoulders and drag him inside. The place was dark, there was loud music and resembled den in every way.

“Maen one hellova place maen,” said Mega after comparing this place with his.

We settled for a corner table which was darkest of all. Waiter came us and stood near us to take our order.

I said, “Coke”

“Pepsi Sir,” he replied.

“With Vodka,” said I.

“Bacardi,” said Mega.

“I’ll never walk alone. Bring me Walker. Johnie Walker,” said Alex. Waiter smiled for his comment. I sincerely hoped that he was in no mood to woo the waiter.

“VAT 69,” said Jeeva.

“Seems Jeeva is in some mood,” said I and chuckled.

“Before that bring us all shots,” said I. We finished our shots and slowly started with our booze. With each sip I began to feel the weightlessness. This always happens with booze. The initial few minutes. It’s like talking with a new found girl whom you haven’t yet wooed. The tension, the panic, the heartbeats.Wah!Pleasure.

Vodka burned my lungs during first few sips. Still I loved that sensation. It didn’t pretend to be someone else. It didn’t pretend to pleasurize me. It was honest. It was loyal and above all took me off my hook. My life.

Then we all ordered a mixed colored cocktail. Mega enquired about the ingredients and said, “Maen they are mixing white and black liquor maen. We’ll have bad bad headache ‘morrow.”

“To hell with your headache.Bring it on,” said Jeeva. The first one to get on high. VAT 69 was taking effect on him.

As the waiter came with the cocktail Jeeva ordered him, “Bring me biryani”

“yo’ don get no biryani here maen,” said Mega. I didn’t interfere.

“I need biryani but,” asked Jeeva and took the waiter by collar. Alex and I enjoyed the show along with Alex.

“So this is how it starts,” said I and started clapping and whistling.

Alex I thought went to spoil the fun by walking in between them but it was not to stop the quarrel it was to bring another round of drinks from the stand.

There was a girl in LBD in the counter. She was impressed with Alexs’ physique. She kept on looking at him. She came very close to him and gave him seductive looks but Alex hardly seemed to mind.

“Black dress is always hot maen,” said Mega looking at the same girl in LBD.

“All fair girls look great in red dress,” said Jeeva finding time in the middle of fist fight.

“Well, I prefer without any dress at all,” said I.

“Ha hamaen! That’s true but,” said Mega.

“Will you buy me a drink,” was what she said. I could read her lips. Alex still didn’t mind.

“Wrong choice lady,” said I. Mega inquired what it is. I asked him to look at Alex.

She kept a hand on his shoulders and again said, “Didn’t you hear me hulk.”

“F**k off you b***h,” said he and shoved her away.

Here Jeeva and waiters brawl had started to become big. Jeeva was holding the waiters collar. The waiter who couldn’t control the temper called for the bouncers.

There that lady started making a scene by crying and bouncers ran off there. Alex was being manhandled so Mega rushed to him.

I saw the name badge of the server. His name was written as Soori. In a fit of rage I hit him as soon as I saw the name. Bouncers came to me and started to pull me out of the place. We had a huge commotion and we were given free lift to the door by the bouncers.

They took money from one of our wallets and threw the car key to us. We just had little bruise though we expected a lot more.

Jeeva took the car and came in reverse in the ramp in as much speed as he could. We ran our car hither and thither in the road and finally found a place to crash in. Some cheap hotel where we thought would have no problem in lodging.

As we parked or rather left the car and entered the lodge there was a man in early thirties. It was night 2’o clock so he was dozing off. Alex woke him up.

“We need a room,” said Alex.

“Only one room?” asked him.

“Then how many room do you want us to take?” I asked him.

“Okay 1000 rupees,” said him.

I took a thousand rupees and threw it to him. He asked us, “only boys?”

“Yes, no girls in this script,” said I and walked to our room.

“Room number 8,” he said.

“8 is our lucky number dude,” said Jeeva who was tipsy and it was only Mega who was holding him.

On our way we could hear a few moaning, saw a lady who wore a skimpy sari and many more. The door opened without us inserting the key.

“Hah automatic door,” said Alex.

We crashed in the room which was shabby but had four single cots with bed at sides. When everyone went to sleep choosing their bed I spoke. “Show isn’t over guys,” said I and took two packets from my pocket.

The stuff continues…

The Guy Stuff – Beyond Chapter (Loser’s Page)

I have been a reader as well as a character of this story.Being a character has many disadvantages,being  a mute spectator to what is happening to you in the story is not so easy and this is one desperate attempt to stop yourself from being bashed up by yourfriend who thinks he is one hell of an author.This is your loser speaking…

Before you get to know what all we had to endure in the journey to the Paradise city let me make some things clear. First things first it’s not that he’s the hero and we all are sidekicks. We all share equal screen space.

Secondly, I was always against drinking till third year of my college.I used to be very truthful to my parents.I never spent a single rupee of my dad in decadent pursuits.I wanted to be conservative, I valued our culture and morals and I loved being called a model student by everyone.Then Priya came.

Right now,two years since we making love,oops,had to find a English equivalent for Love pandrathu,two years since we were committed,I am happy that one of my friends is a gay and I feel we are part of a revolution, in India atleast.

So you think Priya made me a spoilt brat?May be yes. I lied to my parents for the first time on the day we went for the ‘date’.It was so unbecoming of me when I said over the phone to my dad while returning home that I was near Guindy while I had actually reached only Nandanam.But all is fair in love and war, lies became multiple,layered and unconscionable as days progressed.

I know she is not the one for me.She loves kissing her dog but not me.She loves a dark Rajnikantreforming women with his  one-liners brimming with male chauvinism but she hates me for one, I am dark and two,I speak those punch dialogues whenever I feel she dominates me.

She is also a techie and says if she had not loved me she would have married her cousin,a research scientist based in US according to her parents’ wishes.Whenever I tell her I got a hike this month, she reminds me that her cousin earns exactly what I do with two more zeroes at the end of the number.

I am not handsome for her,I am not rich, and she adds that I lie too much to her and I want to really know why she loved me,if she really did.These questions used to pester my brain during my training days in Mysore and what followed was a reign of inferiority complex over me whenever I talk with her.I wanted to escape from reality so I used to sleep for 10 hours a day even during the day before the intermediate compreexam.But how long, will sleep rescue you?Vikram introduced me to the world of booze.Thank you Vikram.

Vikram is a complex fellow,he thinks he judges you impeccably and reads everything from your face and knows everything about you.He still does not know I smoke even during office hours especially in his absence.Why do I smoke in his absence?I wanted to prove that Istill have a habit that is unknown to him.He is too conscious of his intelligence and tries to belittle me all the time,calls me ‘Loser’.Am I a loser?I still have not lost Priya one and half years after she told me straight on my face that she loves me because she is the most sympathetic creature in the world.

I have not fought over the word ‘loser’ with him because I don’t mind whatever he calls me or thinks of me.Whyfriendship?No.The bank account which we four maintain consists of his money primarily.I have not transferred more than 200 to it in last 4 months put together.I am the one who feeds on his money during every trip we go .I am still the loser,ain’tI,hahaha?

Why do I eat his money?Am I selfish? May be I save less.I love eating at ThalapakattiBiriyani for 60 bucks, Priya loves eating the same at the Barbeque Nation.She is rich, but I spend for her because I wouldn’t allow her to do, fearing she might start talking about her cousin again if I don’t.

So I spend more for the one who troubles me and less for the one who save me from it?Am I selfish?Or am I thinking too much? May be I drink because I think too much.

Alex, he is a gay. I have no worries for him being a gay. I was the last one to get committed in my college, so wherever I go, I go with guys.CCD,couple seats inEscapecinemas,Pubs I used to go with these guys.Many actually thought I was the gay fellow in the gang till Priya came.She changed my life.

I liked Alex; he always comes to my rescue when I am the butt of Vikram’s so called jokes.His physique and the way he carries himself, reminiscent of Vikram, not this frail self-proclaimed writer, I am talking about Vikram,theTamilactor.SudhishKamath called Vikram a gay while reviewing Bheema for his tattoo reading ‘Chinna’ in his chest.Does the analogy work?

Mega,I named him Mega.None knows that.I hate listening to Rap songs even in Pubs but this guy made it interesting for me,especially after one day he came up with his own composition which was a paean that spoke about my chemistry with Priya, on my birthday.I read it to her once we met on a RakshaBandhanday; she had four extra Rakhis at the end of the day.She looked at me in response to that song,as though she might tie all of them on me.She lacked taste,or perhaps she hated our chemistry.

Oh…She keeps cropping up again and again.It always happens when you are high.Had a quarrel last night with her as well. Let me leave now and before that, I am sure this guy would invite more controversy from his own characters who might invade this space out of the blue like me and save themselves the blushes.Anyway thanks for the booze, Vikram.

The Guy Stuff – Chapter 3

To make the weekend even crazy I decided to leave the cell phone at home. I didn’t want any disturbance. The hectic week before the weekend was good in a way so that I could completely unleash the devil in me. I didn’t charge the phone and didn’t call my manager and my friends. I took our car and went to office at night 9. I Knew Jeeva would be working because he had on site call from 7.30 to 8.30.

Okay i have to explain that ‘our’ car thing. We being a set of unique people what we do is we have a common bank account called as f4. You can call is fantastic four, famous four or whatever but we named it keeping 4 f*****s in our mind. What we do is we put an amount of monthly salary in there. Anyone can put any amount they want and anyone can take any amount they want. None will be questioned. Though this concept was invented by me it became a success because the rest three too appreciated its importance.

It’s not like what you think. We spend all the money we have and put the remaining money in here as a last option. In fact it’s the opposite. For us filling this bank account with money is freedom. Mega stopped eating breakfast completely; I stopped smoking a pack less of cigarettes to raise money other than the regular 20 to 30 percent of the monthly salary which we put in. And in one year we bought a brand new car. And that’s our ‘our car’ concept. I’d highly recommend this to you folks to but you all must have friends who are as loyal as my friends are.

Jeeva’s building being the farthest from mine I sneaked through without my manager knowing about my presence. When I went to his place, he was there sitting with both hands on his head. The onsite lady was scolding him so badly. Though it was tough to understand from the tone it could be said that she was scolding.

I asked him by gesture. “What are you still doing?” I whispered.

He signaled me by using his hand and drawing an imaginary arc over his neck saying that she’s killing him.

I went, cut the call and looked at him, “over.”

“What the f**k you did man? She’sgonna fire my @ss now. Get lost.” Jeeva hardly uses profanity when he’s stable. Only after getting drunk those words come from mouth. I could see how stressed he was when he used those words.

“Cut the crap dude. Let’s run off. Today is Friday evening. Did you forget?” I asked Jeeva.

“I didn’t forget anything. I called you like a million times. Your phone was switched off”

“Ya that’s a conscientious decision. Come let’s go.”

“What if she calls me?”

“That’s what. Switch off your cell phone and keep it here. We need no disturbance this weekend.”

“Man…” he hesitated.

“Dude believe me” said I and we jumped off in the car. It took us almost one hour to reach Adyar.

The next stop was Maverick Gym, Adyar. We went there at 10.15. As people there know us they allowed us inside the gym even after the closing time which is 10. As it was Friday all equipment’s seemed to have been used. Alex was cleaning the dumb bells and keeping it in the racks. He was in his sleeveless shirt which showed his bulging muscles and the track pants.

Seeing us he came and gave us a huge hug. Jeeva started helping him with weights. I sat there in bench press and changed songs in music system. I saw them working. I saw Alex. He seemed to be normal from top to bottom. I didn’t find any difference. Yet I didn’t know how this guy became a gay? Gay, can you imagine. Okay whatever I don’t want to judge him.

At 10.30 we left the place and started to Nungambakkam. Actually my house was situated near Thiruvanmiyur. It’d have been easy if we all had met near Thiruvanmiyur but I didn’t want to go in an organized way so just hit the road.

I drove and Alex sat next to me. He tried to insert his phone with the music system cable hanging there.

“Dude what the f**k?”

“What?”

“You have your phone?”

“Ya I have my phone”

Jeeva interrupted in the middle, “He doesn’t want us to bring mobile phones to the trip. He wants no disturbance.” Jeeva said to Alex.

“But man I’ve to call my guy.”

“Don’t talk crap. I don’t want anyone with cellphone there.” I shouted.

Being a bulky guy he’d have easily smashed me but he doesn’t. He obeyed my words. In 20 minutes we reached Nungambakkam.

We got inside Mediterranean Midnight. As it was close time almost everyone were on dance floor. Mega was right in the middle with big green oversized sleeveless vest with number 9 written over it which he had worn over a white t-shirt. He had a big chain with a diamond studded ‘M’ dollar handing over it and a big ‘M’ ring which covered whole of his right hand.

He was blabbering some rubbish in the name of rap.

“Yo boys and gals
its me and us
all parents fuzz
and relatives cuzz
but we always buzz
yo boys and gals…”

“What bull s**t is he singing?” I asked Jeeva who was looking at the girls as if he had never seen any girl before. Loser.

I asked the same question again to Alex who was laughing hearing what Mega was singing. He replied, “Even I’m trying to decode it?”

“Please don’t talk about code man. I’m already on verge of killing my manager. Please don’t remind me of work”

“Ha ha okay man” said Alex.

All were giving a weird look at Jeeva who was in his formals as he didn’t go home on Thursday night. Girls were looking at Alex who wasn’t wearing anything special but his short tee showed of ample muscle.

On seeing us Mega waved his hand. Some from the crowd turned to look us. One girl with curly hair with neck less black dress turned towards me and gave me that inviting look. His boyfriend was too drunk. Idiot.  I could have got her then and there but resisted the temptation and looked away.

The party got over at 11.30. That black dress girl again came near me, pretended to trip and fell on me. I used the situation and grabbed her from behind but took my hand immediately saying, “Sorry girl not this week.”

She was disappointed and went with her boyfriend. Mega after handing over the mike and closing the disc came to us.

“Whoa maen. Finally,” said Mega.

Before I could reply Jeeva spoke, “You’re a lucky guy man. So many chicks…”

“Ha ha. Part ‘n parcel of the job maen” replied Mega.

“Okay fatso shall we leave?” asked Alex.

“Maen ‘m ready maen,” said Mega.

“Okay keep your cell phone somewhere and come. I don’t want any disturbance. Keep Alexs’ too”

“Maen you mean yo’ don wan’ no disturbance,” asked Mega.

“Ya yes.That in English.”

“’kaymaen I’ll see if any drinks is left. We’ll have ‘em to kick start the party.”

Jeeva and Alex got excited. If one thing that we’d give even life for that’s drinks. But I said, “No I’ll show another world tonight”

“So you have surprise,” said Jeeva.

“You’ll see,” said I and we started of sharp at night twelve. Nungambakkam to Thiruvanmiyur took just 20 minutes. Once the mood is set none of my friends protest so it was one of the rashest drives that I did that day.

We were at the start of Thiruvanmiyur. At the tip of ECR road.

“So how long do you think it’ll take us to reach Pondy?”

“Two hours may be?” said Jeeva.

“Loser come out of office mode. Others do you wanna guess.”

“Maen one n a half hour mean,” said Mega.

“Not even close”

“The mood you’re in today we can’t even guess,” said Alex.

“Ha ha. We’ll be there in an hour. Just sit back and enjoy the drive”

“One hour. Maen it’s going to be hell,” said Mega.

“We are going to have a hell of a night. Aren’t we?” I said for which everyone gave a war cry, “yeah…”

“Before that here’s something special from me to kick start the night,” I took four Cuban cigars which I had specially bought for the occasion and gave it to them. Each one took one.

“Maen it’s larger than my sweet lil brother out here maen,” said Mega pointing to his crotch and made us all laugh.

“This is f*****g amazing, where did you get these?” asked Jeeva clearly in jubilant mood as he used the f-word. But no one asked me how much I had to spend. That’s my friends for you and I liked it that way.

“All those are trivial fellas. Let’s ignite the passion,” said I chewing one end of my cigar with others biting their bit. All our cigars kissed each other. Jeeva and I sitting in front turned back with cigar in mouth and Alex and Mega adjusted themselves and came to the front with cigars. All our cigars kissed each other. I ignited them in one go with my cigarette lighter. We all got back to our position and took a huge puff and emitted more smoke than the exhaust which circled in and outside the car.

With music system in full volume, smoke encircling the car, Paradise City blasting the roof of car we took off to our Paradise city. Pondy.Vroommmmm….

Take me down to the paradise city
Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty
Take me home…

The Guy Stuff – Chapter 2

As per our pact I didn’t call any of them the whole week and didn’t think about the trip. I didn’t have time to think basically. That one week was as disastrous as it could getwith client calls, escalations and on top of it my Manager.

It was Wednesday night or Thursday morning 3’0 clock me and my PM were sitting in our cubicle digging deep into the code to find that one error.

“What Vikram?” said my Manager.Bloody don’t start with that question again.

“Yes Soori”

“Sometimes even our work can get monotonous isn’t it Vikram?” Even our work? What the hell does that mean?

“Yes Soori”

“Hey man. Talk with me freely. Let’s be Pauls” Paul? It’s pal you moron. You and me pals. You gotta be kiddin’.

“Yes Soori”

“It won’t reflect on your ratings don’t worry. Ha ha.”As if I care.

He went off after his monologue. I kept on struggling with the code. I started hallucinating. All the println statements seemed to be forming a death chain and were waiting to strangle me. Sori (meaning scratch in Tamil) was there with that println chain flipping it judiciously in his hands.

“Vikram… Vikram…” I was waked up by Sori.

“Yes Soori”

“You seem to be tired. Go home and take rest.” Oh wow even you’re human.

“Thanks Sori. I mean Soori.” I was blabbering.

“Ya take a couple of hours rest and come back by 6. We have a deployment.” What the f**k?

“Soori even by full speed in my bike it’ll take one hour to reach my home. How can I come back by six? It’s already 4’o clock”

“Hey don’t go by bike during night times. You might get into accident. Sleep here. Come we’ll go and sleep together in dorm.” Sleep together with you. I’d better kill you and go to jail.

“No thanks Soori. I’ll have a puff and then go to dorm”

“Oh do you get puff at this time? Even I’m hungry come lets go.” Oh my! How the hell could he be so dumb?

“I meant I’ll smoke and come to dorm Soori”

“Smoking is injurious to health Vikram. Take care.” Okay f**k off grandpa. If I work under you I’ll get killed before next summer.

It was early morning 4.30 I was all alone at the smoking zone. I loved the very smell of cigarettes. Jeeva is a bigger fan of its smell. He takes a puff and relishes it for five seconds. But being a loser he doesn’t smoke in office saying his image would get spoilt.

I lay down in the marble bench and made circles with the smoke. Would have loved to have a beer too but couldn’t. Without my knowledge I slept there. In an hour the sun’s rays pierced the bamboo leaves around the smoking zone and hit my face. I checked the watched. It was already six.

I threw the cigarette in lawn and ran to my cubicle. My manager greeted me, “You’re late Vikram.” Okay jacka**.

“Sorry Soori I overslept”

“It’s already 6.05 start the deployment”

“Okay Soori”

I started doing the same work again. One by one my teammates came. An always pregnant Radha, Soori’s pet came sharp at 8 and gave kolukatae (a sweet) to Soori and came to me to give it. I politely refused.

“Why Vikram don’t you like my cooking?” Should I even say that?

“Nothing like that Radha,” said I took the Kolukatae and threw it outside window as soon as she left.

Then came dude Dinesh. He wears Ray Ban glasses, Adidas shoes, blackberry shirt, and Louis Philippe pants but looks least bit like dude. He in spite of being couple of years elder to me asks me to call him dude because he doesn’t want to miss out on girls. Every Monday morning I had to tell him about my weekend adventures to him. I find wooing girls easier than talking to him about wooing girls.

“Vikram dude. Good morning”

“Dinesh its dood not dude. Don’t pronounce it that way.”

“Hey you know what?” I find this you-know-what thing so girlish. It’s so nice if it’s said by a girl. Girls say, “You know what?” and continue with the conversation. It’s so sexy. But when this b*****d says it’s so damn yucky.

“How’ll I know without you telling?”

“I’m doomed man. My parents have fixed for my marriage”

“Good for you. You’re already 30 you don’t have any practical chance of hitting a girl”

“Hey dude don’t tell my age in public”

“Always pregnant Radha and Sori, do they even qualify under public?”

“How could you crack a joke on every instinct man? I think this is how you get girls.” Great discovery. Come say what you want?

“Okay, tell me what’s the problem in getting married?”

“I need to enjoy my bachelor life man. I’m youth. I’m dude.” I couldn’t take it up more.

“You?Dude? First pronounce it correctly. Let me be frank. You have no chance of hitting a girl. Will anyone wear sports shoes with formal wear? Will anyone prick their nose and eat with the same hand. Better get married or else you’ll be single forever”

Arranged marriage is one good concept for guys like Dinesh. Whatever they do they can’t even get the worstest piece of s**t. Even the always pregnant Radha doesn’t look at him.

Dinesh being the shameless creature went to his desk without replying. I expected a big fight so that I could vent my anger but it didn’t happen.

So that’s about our team, the fantastic four. That’s the name people ridicule our team with. In spite of all this our team got best team award right from the year I joined. We completed hat trick of championship this year. Can you guess what’s the prize?A landmark voucher for 500 rupees for the whole team. An always pregnant Radha jumps with joy as soon as she sees the voucher as if she has become size zero. She takes the voucher everythime saying that she’ll buy stationary items for her childrens. Yes she calls them childrens.

Thanks to an always pregnant Radha I couldn’t even go out for lunch. She bought delicious curd rice made by her to all of us. Dinesh and I had a tough time digesting it. Radha went by 5 as usual citing the same reason. Dinesh and I were there till 11 debugging the code when Sori came.

“What Vikram?” Again!

“Yes Soori.”

“Over huh?”Would I be here if it’s over?

“No Soori. I’m still not able to find it.”

“Okay keep trying”

After an hour I took my pack of cigarette and started to walk.

“Where are you going?” asked Sori.

“Home Soori. It’s Dinesh’s turn today” said I.

“But what’ll you do going home you’re a bachelor.” Bloody a** I haven’t slept for two days.

“I need to take some rest Soori”

“I have my wife at home even I’m not going home”

“I can’t do anything for that.” I don’t know what I wrongly said he suddenly got so angry and went back to system and started typing the code so furiously. Yes that’s what he does when he gets angry, happy, sad etc. etc. All he knows is to code.

I went home and slept. Slept well. Only when I woke up I found that my phone had been switched off. I didn’t put it back to charge. It was noon. I had slept for good twelve hours. A sleep which has been evading me since two days. I thought of the weekend that we had planned to which brought a smile in my face. I didn’t risk going to office on Friday. I dozed off again.

The stuff continues…

The Guy Stuff – Chapter 1

“Life is such a b***h, until you get on it and f**k it back and that too in your own style it’s going to keep bothering you. Here I’d like to say that I prefer doggy style.”

–          Anonymous

And that anonymous is me.

“Pondy. Friday night. Deal?”I texted to three of my best friends. The cell phone which I had kept next to the mouse vibrated. This time I correctly took the cell phone instead of the mouse. I checked the message. It said, “Done,” then the second one came then the third one came and it all said one word. “Done”

Stage was set. I so badly wanted to get out of the routine. Being a Monday morning the first thing I could think of was Friday. That Friday was extra special for us because it was going to be the last week we all are going to be together. One from our gang was going to get married.

Manager with his scrutinizing looks kept on staring at me from his cubicle. I was the most unfortunate of all the team members. I had a cubicle right next to our PM. Every now and then when he gets bored he gets out of the cubicle makes an annoying sound while stretching himself and calls me, “what Vikram?” I would be like, ‘What what Vikram? What does that mean’?

Then he’ll ask, “Busy ah?” As if you’ll let me be free.

“Yes Soori I have a job to run then do this integration testing.” He wants to hear this every time from me. After that he gets content and continues with his work. I b***h about my work and I too continue my work. This happens every other day. I so badly wanted to get rid of the monotonous work. Get drunk. Party. That’s why I messaged my best friends and was over the moon as I got an affirmative reply. Not that I expected anything in negative but still it felt good.

I ran the job which I was supposed to run before 9 and went out to take a puff. I decided to call the three of them to confirm about the plans. I took out my phone and searched for the letter ‘M’ as I couldn’t by heart the numbers and these guys keep changing their numbers. I called Mega. After 10 rings he picked up the phone and lazily said, “Hellooooo.”

I said, “Vikram.”

“Dude ‘sup dude.How ya?”

“Hold on conference call”

“Early mornin’..Conference even before coffee.Maennnn..” Man he says like ‘maennn.’ His style you see.

“It’s 9 you f***a. Okay hold on”

This is Mega for you. This guy talks swallowing half of the words. Starts and ends the sentence with the same word. Uses two negatives in sentence and does all sort of crap and makes it tough for us to understand. He calls it American English or in his style ‘merican English. Vignesh Maharaja Ram is his name. Like his heavy weight name he too is hefty guy weighing 200Kg. Mind it not 200 pounds. He works as a rapper cum DJ in a Meditteranenan Midnight, a famous nightclub in Nungambakkam.

If you had had a DJ friend you’d know by what means he could be helpful. One, he could get us the left over drinks and make a brilliant cocktail. Two, he could get me a room within minutes if I get lucky with a girl which I often do. And three, well there is not three. Just came with the flow. Will let you know what else he’s useful about in coming chapters. We fondly call him Mega. Suits him ain’t it? Oh crap I’m talking like him.

Like every DJ he wears oversized clothes, though it’s tough to get oversized clothes for someone who’s six feet height and weighs more than 200 kg. This DJ tag gives him one more reason to talk in his hep, read as broken English of his.

I called Jeeva then, my office mate.

“Hello,” he said in a perfectly normal tone. The way one would say hello when one is deeply immersed in code.

“Jeeva hey Jeeva,” said Mega excitedly.

“Mega how are you? Long time no see,” enquired Jeeva.

“When the hell are you going to learn to talk in a conference call. How many times I’ve said that you’ve to say ‘over’ once it’s over.”

“It ain’t over ‘til it’s over maen. Over” said Mega.

“haha… over” said Jeeva.

“Okay enough. Shut up I’ve to all Alex”

“You didn’t say over. Over” said Mega.

“Ha hahahaha. Over” said Jeeva.

“@ss holes please shut up” said I and gave a pause. I didn’t want them to continue so said, “Over.”

Before calling Alex let me tell you about Jeeva. If you ask me to define a loser in single word its Jeeva. Don’t tell me loser itself is a single word why do we need another word to define it. Calls himself G Waugh like Steve Waugh or Mark Waugh but there is nothing wahwah about G Waugh. So I prefer calling him as Jeeva. He will be addressed as Jeeva from here on.

He’s a typical middle class guy who cribs about his work, goes home takes care of his parents, has an annoying girlfriend. 6 years in relationship and he hasn’t even kissed. Now you get how big a loser he is. On top of it his girlfriend is not worth such a commitment. No guy in right mind would have got committed with her.

Jeeva you can call him tall, dark and handsome type. I don’t think he’s as handsome as me but okay he’ll feel happy if I address him as such. There is nothing much to tell about this guy. Just a normal brat. You’ll discover about him too in coming chapters.

Then I ringed Alex. He picked up as soon as I called.

“Vikram. How the hell are you man?”

“I’m great dude. Conference call. Mega and Jeeva too are there. Over”

“Oh great. Fat @ss and Scrubby hair how are you? Over” At least there was one guy who knows to talk in a conference call.

“Hey smarty pants hey man. Howsya” said Mega which overlapped with what Jeeva said, “Gym boy I’m great. How are you?”

Neither he nor I could understand what they both said. “Use ‘over’ idiots. Talk one by one. Over” said I.

“kay. Over” said Mega and Jeeva too repeated the same. Alex gave a laugh.

Alex, probably the best looking guy in our gang. He works as gym master. Did BSc Chemistry on his dads’ insistence but discontinued after a year because he couldn’t clear even a single paper. I don’t know why I always feel all good looking guys are brainy but in his case it was wrong. He is all muscles with absolutely no G.K. But knows life better.Works hard daily, literally.

He has 8 packs, broad shoulders and is fit and tall. In fact everyone is taller than me in our gang. Being a 5 foot 10 inch person and being the shortest guy in the gang can you imagine how I’d feel? He had everything a woman would crave for. But he gave a shock of our life when he said he’s in love with Peter. Yes he’s gay. You don’t have to come close to monitor widen your pupil, go back and read it again. What you read it right. He’s gay. I feel creepy when I even talk about it. It’s for his bachelor’s party that we were going. Coming weekend is his marriage.

I continued, “you guys fine with the plan right?”

“Yea maen fix it maen. I ain’tgonna go nowhere” said Mega.

“Yea fine” said Jeeva.

“Yes bro. Over” said Alex. I was relieved as he addressed me bro.

“Okay then. Over” said I.

“Okay lemme catch up with some sleep. Will call ya’ later tonight,” said Mega.

“No calling business. This time no planning and S#!t. I’ll come on Friday night and will pick all of you. See you guys then.”

The stuff continues…